


Symbiosis

by Aidaran, StarTravel



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Angst, Autism Spectrum, Counseling, Dissociation, Established Relationship, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Hypnosis, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Inner world, Kukalaka is always a tag we'll use, M/M, Medical Procedures, Neurodivergent Julian Bashir, Repressed Memories, Richard Bashir was a terrible parent, Subconscious mind, Symbionts, Therapy, Therapy Session, Trill - Freeform, non trill being joined, separation ceremony, slight AU with Ezri Tigan in season 6, trill civil war
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-20
Updated: 2019-11-08
Packaged: 2020-03-08 17:10:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 25,921
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18899020
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aidaran/pseuds/Aidaran, https://archiveofourown.org/users/StarTravel/pseuds/StarTravel
Summary: When a convoy with joined Trill refugees crashes in DS9, doctor Bashir has to make a hard choice and put the 3 symbionts in non-trill hosts. Now, Julian Kelos, Jake Mar and Tiar Nerys have to learn to navigate their new memories and go on with their normal lives. But something is wrong with Julian's symbiont. He keeps getting flashes of a little boy...





	1. Crash

**Author's Note:**

> New story! We are so very fond of this one, hope you'll like it as well!

Doctor Bashir heard his combadge chime. All station was in red alert, there had been an accident in a docking pylon. He ran through curious people gathering near the accident, trying to reach the ship that was still on fire. Two security officers held him to keep him from entering the wreckage himself to try to save the occupants.

When the passengers finally were rescued, his heart sank. 5 trills, two already dead, and the other three barely breathing and far beyond saving. Julian swallowed tightly as he realized what this was. The Symbiont convoy. They had heard of 5 joined trills that would request asylum at the station, running away from the civil war that was ravaging their home planet.

He asked for an emergency beam to the infirmary, calling Jadzia immediately. They only chance of survival was to get new hosts. Those three were already in delicate condition. The ones belonging to the dead trills had perished in the fire already, and he was not sure he had the means to keep the other 3 alive.

Jadzia arrived and immediately shook her head. 

“There’s no time. You need to take the symbionts to new hosts. We could try keeping they alive if they were not badly hurt already.” She wanted to mourn her lost friends, but she knew this was not the time. It would have to wait if she wanted the others to have a chance.

"The trip to Trill is 8 days. Is there any possibility to reproduce the chemistry of the ponds to boost their survival chances? I already checked and there are no other Trills in the vicinity, Jadzia."

One of them already looked very ill, and according to the files, was the older and wisest.

“Maybe with the youngest, but not the oldest. It’s already ill. It needs a new host now. So does the middle one probably.” Jadzia frowned tightly as she kneeled down in front of the Symbiont, her gaze tearing up for a moment. They were all her friends, after all. They’ve known each other for centuries.

“Ezri could take one.” Julian said this quietly and with just a hint of guilt, expression pinched. He knew Ezri didn’t want to be joined in the first place, never tried for the Symbiont.

"Yes. She'll never forgive us but she'll fulfill her duty. But what about the other two?"

They were injured. Their skin burned. They'd never survive the trip. All the calculations, all the reports, all the studies he’d read flashed before his eyes. Julian swallowed tightly and closed his eyes. He couldn’t believe he was about to suggest this. 

“Humans can temporarily hold symbionts. I read the reports of the Enterprise.”

"You can't be serious, Julian. Whoever takes that responsibility, if they survive, will never be the same. Even after the symbiont is removed."

“No, no they won’t. It’s something I wouldn’t ask of anyone under normal circumstances, but these aren’t normal circumstances.”

Julian bit his lip, because he couldn’t ask this of anyone else. One of them had to be him, and Jadzia knew he was thinking about himself. 

"What about the third one?"

"I'd like to do it."

They both turned at the voice. Jake was on the door, a pad on his hand. He'd been reporting the incident. Julian turned around with wide eyes. 

“Jake! Are you sure? I know this must seem exciting on the surface, but it’s quite dangerous. Not even I want to do it.”

"I'm young and I'm healthy. I can give them a chance. Plus, all that knowledge would be invaluable."

"Have you talked with your father?"

"I'm an adult, I made this decision by myself."

Jadzia swallowed tightly. Ben would be mad at her but - there was no time, and they needed anyone they could get.

“All right. If you’re really sure.”

Julian looked at her as if he had gone mad. The captain surely would be horrified at this. Jake nodded.

"I am. Go get my dad and explain it to him."

"What about the third one? Ezri is on Bajor, can she be on time?” Julian started to clean his hands in preparation.

"Let’s hope so. We don’t have any other volunteers that  I’m aware of.”

Julian nodded and turned to Jake. He was sure the boy had no idea what he was about to commit to. He, on the other hand, knew, and even as exciting as having hundred of years of experience may looked like, he also knew the risks for his health, both mental and physical. He also knew he was not ready to risk anybody else’s life.

“Ok, so, the oldest to Jake and I'll take the youngest. Jadzia, go call her back to the station while you change into these robes, Jake. I'm so sorry about this."

“It’s my choice, Doctor.” Jake sounded sure as he changed into the robes. Julian began the surgery almost immediately. They didn’t have time to wait.

By the time Sisko arrived, ready to storm the infirmary and take his son, Jake already had his abdomen open. Sisko pressed his face into his hands, because he was too late. 

“Jake, why? Do you know how dangerous this is?”

"If you were the only one capable of taking Dax, wouldn't you do it? Wouldn’t you save his life, dad?" He was a bit drowsy but conscious, as it was the trill way of performing the symbiont surgery.

He was thrilled by the experience, hoping to write a book about it. The only human who had ever held a symbiont before was an officer, good at writing reports, but with no poetic abilities. He, on the other hand, was sure he’d make the most of it.

“There were other people who could have done this, Jake.”

"I volunteered. I didn't see others doing so, dad. I will be ok, trust me."

“I’ll believe you, Jake. I just wish you didn’t have to do this.” Sisko collapsed into a chair and waited because that was all he could do.

Kira arrived, putting her most brave and determined face. She was pale, but her stance was firm.

"I want to volunteer as well. It wouldn't do to let one of Jadzia's friends die, would it? She already suffered 2 losses today, I can’t stand not doing nothing after how she was." Jadzia had collapsed once she reached Kira’s quarters, all her strong stance turning into grief. If she could do one thing to make things better for her friend, Kira certainly was about to do it.

“Are you sure? Ezri is a trill, it makes more sense for her to take one, physiologically speaking.”

“Yes, but she would have to keep the Symbiont and I won’t. And she's on Bajor right now. Do these symbionts have 6 hours to spare? Because she won’t come here sooner than that."

"No, I really don't think so." He moved his head, defeated. Ezri had been hard to contact, and even if she caught a runabout immediately, the trip was still not a short one.

“Then it has got to be me. Prepare me for surgery, Julian.”

Jabara watched all the surgeries with careful eyes, because she knew she would have to do Julian’s.

They all were unconscious the first hours after the joining, and all the senior staff took turns to watch. Jabara kept her eyes on Garak, who never moved from Julian's side, with a very crossed expression. What he was thinking, it was impossible to tell.

She didn’t always like him, and before Julian issued an order not to kick him out she used to take pleasure in denying him entry, but this time she made sure he ate and rested.

He was livid, even if his exterior looked calm, and couldn't understand why Julian would put himself in danger like that, but that didn't mean he wouldn't stay there to give him a piece of his mind.

So the first thing Julian Kelos saw as a joined person was a cardassian, sleeping in an uncomfortable chair, a trail of almost untouched food at his side.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments are love!
> 
> Here's our symbionts guide, courtesy of StarTravel, who made the original lineup of trills. You don't really need it, but even us have to consult it a lot to keep the story straight :) :
> 
> *Kelos - Julian:  
> Anzri Kelos, a painter who spent most of her life on Trill. Compassionate and warm, but also shy, flighty and focused on her work.  
> Delon Kelos, a tactian who was very serious and focused on protecting Trill and its secrets. Secretive, protective, aloof, and very loyal to those he - or at least Kelos - trusts.  
> Meolia Kelos, a scientist from Trill who specializes in native flora. Shy, polite, but also optimistic and eager to learn more about the world.  
> Lires Kelos, an ambassador to Vulcan. Polite and reserved, but quietly passionate about Trill and about furthering the relationships between Trill and the rest of the Alpha Quadrant.
> 
> * Mar - Jake  
> Clea Mar, a Guardian turned scientist after her joining. Believed to be one of the first Trill hosts. Quiet, respectful, and aloof, but with a kind heart.  
> Axios Mar, A Trill scientist who studied Symbiont joining. Outgoing, friendly, but also hyperfocused on his work at times.  
> Lios Mar, a dancer from Trill who loves performing. Introverted, romantic, and a bit of a dreamer.  
> Telia Mar, A kindhearted and extroverted doctor who also loves traveling and who married her childhood sweetheart. Has many kids.  
> Saros Mar, an introverted but brash journalist who is passionate about social justice and believes more people can be Symbionts than the government admits.  
> Anira Mar, a sweet, empathetic, extroverted counselor who is one of the first Trill to join Starfleet.  
> Tyriel Mar, an idealistic, extroverted, and hardworking Trill congressman. He dreams of being an ambassador and sometimes considers joining Starfleet.
> 
> * Tiar - Kira  
> Shiral Tiar, a Trill soldier who is outgoing, courageous, loyal, and okay, can be a bit brash. And yes, he knows his name sounds like that Romulan spy group.  
> Liana Tiar, a pilot known for being daring, outgoing, and far too much of a flirt for her own good. Wanted to explore the universe.  
> Alios Tiar, a writer who spends most of his traveling and trying to understand other alien cultures. Warm, friendly, curious, and a bit goofy.  
> Jenara Tiar, a scientist on Trill and one of the more serious people to hold the Tiar symbiote. She was bold, passionate, and argumentative, and helped change agriculture on Trill.  
> Kalia Tiar, She is a congresswoman who is loud, passionate, friendly, and honest a fault. This can be dangerous in her profession, but has earned her a lot of respect.


	2. Awake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They wake up, with their new memories mixing up with their old ones. And who is in Julian's head?

Jake Mar looked at his … father … with confusion. He remembered many parents. Also... an accident? He blinked a couple times and mumbled in a low voice.

“Dad?”

“I’m here, Jake.”

 

Kira Tiar opened her eyes to a bucket. She felt moved by that, a smile in the corner of her lips. She knew how secretive Odo was, so turning into goo in front of everybody probably was the most embarrassing moment of his life. And he did it for her.

"I love you too." she whispered, knowing the goo in the bucket would not hear her.

She wondered who that frankness was from. Clearly it was not Kira Nerys. Maybe it was Tiar Nerys. Or Kira Tiar? It was all so confusing. She knew that wasn’t her personality. Or well, it was until the Symbiont was out.

The goo moved back and forth a little, though she wasn’t sure if it was a sign of awareness of not.

Julian meanwhile frowned a little as he leaned towards Garak, shyly kissing him on the cheek. Garak woke up immediately, trying to remember why he was angry when he went to sleep. Then it hit him, but looking at Julian’s confused face, he softened a bit.

"How you feel, dear?"

"Fragmented."

“That’s to be expected. What were you thinking?”

“I couldn’t ask someone to do it, medically speaking.”

"Why not? it was risky enough, and you didn't even get to operate on yourself."

“No, but I trust Jabara.”

"You are not Trill. No matter how much you trust her, you can't foresee the consequences."

Garak gritted his teeth, face pinching together. So much for trying to keep his anger at bay.

“Commander Riker survived. So will I.” Julian glanced down at his hands and smiled a little, shaking his head.

"What is it, Julian?"

"I remember having different hands, that's all. Some were darker, some were lighter, some rougher and some smoother. But never like this before. It’s so beautiful, you know."

“Your hands have always been exactly like this, my dear.”

"Julian's were. Not Kelos."

“You’re Julian. Kelos is just an unwelcome visitor.”

"Yet it doesn't feel like that. We are both quite comfortable with each other, to be honest." Julian smiled at him, almost like a child that’s shyly showing an adult what he has done. There was something off on his expression.

“Excuse me?” Garak expected many things. Physical rejection. Julian being taken over by this Symbiont. Death. This wasn’t on the table.

"The knowledge... the experiences. This is incredible, Elim. I am me, and I am more."

"Oh. I see. So you're enjoying this, dear?" His voice was cool, but Julian didn’t seem to register that.

"Of course! I have so many lifetimes, so many new memories and skills. I know how to paint!"

"You could learn all those things by yourself if you wanted."

"Yes, but I wouldn't have all the emotional ties to them I have now!"

"No, you'd have your own emotional ties to them."

"Oh, but that wouldn't be the same at all! Now I can understand so much."

"You won't hold him for long, you know that, don’t you?"

"We don't know how long yet." Julian crossed his arms against his chest and bit his lip. Suddenly the idea of giving up the symbiont was not that attractive. Not when he suddenly felt like something more, like _someone_ at all.

Jadzia approached them from behind.

"The symbiosis committee won't allow a symbiont to be with a non-trill for long."

"Even if I could keep them or if we bond?"

"They'll ask you to go to Trill before bonding to prevent that."

“Trill is in political turmoil. We may never reach it in time.”

“That won’t stop them from trying, Julian.”

 

Sisko took Jake’s hand between his, searching in his eyes for any sign of discomfort. Instead, what he saw was similar to what used to see in Jadzia’s: a knowledge, an experience, that feeling of watching into a very old soul inside a young body.

"Jake, are you feeling ok?"

"Yes, I... it is so weird being a young child again, you know that? my last host had 3 kids of his own."

“Did he? Well, now I guess you’ll finally understand how your old man feels.”

Sisko was trying to make this as normal as possible. It was quite difficult. He was scared the man in front of him was not quite his son anymore.

"Yes, I understand you even more now. You are a better dad that I ever was, and I’m so proud of you."

Sisko couldn't help smiling, even if that was the weirdest thing he'd ever heard. And that was saying something.

"It's so sad, I won't be seeing my children anymore. Cherish yours, dad."

Sisko got pale at that. It was weird in so many ways.

Their conversations were cut short by a sharp complaint by Kira. Or maybe Tiar. It was a bit trickier with her to know what to call her now.

"Hey, I only have a bucket with me, anybody wants to come to talk?"

Kira's symbiont was obviously the most rash of them, and yet, all the reports said it was the most loved one.

"Oh, of course! Here, I can keep you company. Tiar and I need to catch up too." Jadzia sat down on the chair next to Odo.

"It's so weird, being Bajoran! I think I like it, Dax."

"And you're a Bajoran I know you in particular would adore."

"Oh yes, and luckily we both agree on that. Nerys has that strong headed attitude Tiar always loved. Jenara was a bit laid back, but most of my hosts would have been great friends with Nerys."

“Yes, I can definitely imagine that. And I think Jenara would have at least admired her.”

"Yes, I think Nerys is amazing. Definitely regret I won’t be able to stay." Kira smiled and her nose seemed even more wrinkled. Suddenly her expression grew confused. "I? Or we? how do you separate pronouns? it's a mess in my head! I am Tiar and Kira at the same time."

Jadzia chuckled a bit at that. Oh, her friend was up to a wild ride with this.

"It does take a little bit of practice. I would focus on what you - what _Nerys_ \- would want to be called."

Meanwhile, Julian was quietly holding Garak’s hand, but not talking. Garak got more and more concerned.

"What is it, dear? something wrong? do you hurt?"

"Oh, no, no. I'm just enjoying holding your hand."

"You never stay quiet this long."

"I never have so much to process." he smiled brightly, eyes dreamy and far away.

"I suppose there is a lot more going on in that pretty head of yours. Anything interesting about the hosts?"

Julian smiled even wider, not quite taking into Garak’s more and more distressed expression.

"Let’s see... You'll like Meolia. She loved plants. She even was in Romulus raising hybrid flowers."

"You like flora as well. I don’t quite see the difference.”

"Oh, and Delon! He was a spy! we will have so much fun talking with you now."

"Will you? I imagine that will take away everything you find interesting about me, dear."

Garak frowned, gaze narrowing a bit. He was beginning to feel a panic attack taking form.

"Quite the opposite. Now I understand you even better, love. I know now what kind of sacrifices you had to do."

"Yes but ..." And Garak trailed off, because he couldn't think of anything that wouldn't be rude to say in front of everyone else.

 

Jake laughed quietly and Sisko raised his eyebrows. The infirmary was starting to look like a madhouse, with people enthusiastically talking about things they’ve never experienced.

"You know, dad, Saros was a journalist as well. I can't believe how lucky I am."

"That's good to hear, Jake. Maybe you'll pick up some writing tips."

"Well, I'm really thinking about writing a book about this experience once I am discharged, dad."

"I can't wait to read it. I'm here for you Jake, if you ever feel lost or confused during this."

 

Tiar Nerys looked more crossed than thrilled every minute that passed.

"It's easy for you to tell me to pick the name I like more, Jadzia. I am new to this and it's so confusing I'm annoyed." Nerys laid down, huffing.

"Well, that sounds more like Kira, at least." Jadzia teased lightly, leaning in to playfully punch her on the shoulder. Then she took on a more serious expression. "Thank you."

"I couldn't let one of your friends die. Even less now that they are inside me.” Her eyes widened. Jadzia knew how it was, the slow influx of memories that were not yours. “Ooooooh, I can't believe the things you made me do when you were Curzon. And I thought _you_ were the wild one."

"He was quite the character, though I like to think the things I've gotten you to do as Jadzia have been a lot more fun."

"Yes, well, you can be sure that my previous hosts think that statement is correct. Shiral especially."

"Oh yes, but it was with Kalia we had most fun!"

Kira looked at her fondly. It was Kira’s expression and it was Tiar at the same time. Jadzia would have never imagined she’d be able to share that kind of experience with one of her best friends, and was grateful for it.

"We missed you, Dax."

"I missed you too, Tiar. I'm glad we get to spend some time together before you meet your next host, even if the circumstances aren't exactly ideal."

 

Julian frowned a bit and then looked very put out. He whispered, though Garak still heard him.

"You don't like me anymore."

"Julian, that's not what I said. But what would you find interesting about me when you are a devious spy now?"

"I wouldn't call myself devious, Elim. I'd reserve that word for you."

Garak couldn't believe Julian was trying to flirt when things were so bad. He gave him a flat look and turned his head away. Julian blinked a bit and looked down again, this time more sadly.

"You're not saying it, but it's what you mean."

"It isn't, Julian."

"then what is it, Elim? you don't like what I've become, just say it!"

And then he suddenly started crying as he didn't remember doing before in his life. He was quite sure the one crying was not Julian. Garak looked at all directions, not sure if he should hold him or call for help. _This_ certainly qualified as a new and distressing experience for him.

"Oh, oh, that's probably from a previous host, Julian! just breath and calm down". Jadzia was at his side immediately.

Garak swallowed and took a few steps back. He shouldn't be here. This wasn't his Julian - Julian was right. He wasn't sure if he could come to like these changes.

"I think it's Anzri, Julian. She's very sensitive. Just breath." Jadzia looked at Garak as soon as Julian calmed. "A word, please. Let's go to the back."

Her expression made it clear it was not optional. Garak sighed a little but followed her, his lips pressed into a thin line.

"Don't you _dare_ abandon him now. He's suffering, even if he's looking cheerful. Hurt Julian or Kelos, and I swear, I'll have you thrown through an airlock."

"You never should have let him do this."

"Have you ever managed to convince him not to do something?"

“No, but we both know you have.” Garak was furious and he was blaming everyone he could, himself included. “I don’t - it isn’t my fault I don’t love Kelos, Jadzia.”

"He is still Julian. This is only temporary, until we reach Trill. For once don't be cruel and be at his side, Garak. Kelos is only a guest, but Julian will remember everything you do to him. And right now he’s suffering. His brain must be overloading."

"And he'll remember everything he's learned from Kelos. He won't be the same Julian, Jadzia. He's not like Kira or Jake."

"He won't, trust me. The neural pathways that are part of the symbiont are removed once he's gone. Those memories are imprinted in its brain, they don't cross. The symbiont will record a copy of certain memories of Julian, but that process is not true for him."

They glanced back at Julian. He was hugging his knees.

"Can you bring me Kukalaka at least? I don't want to stay alone here." He looked at him imploringly. Garak frowned, getting to his side.

"Have they ever put symbionts in anyone we’re not aware of, Dax? that doesn't sound like any trill I know."

Julian flushed a bit and shakes his head a little.

"No, I - I think that was me. Maybe? I... I don’t know"

Garak raised an eye ridge, because this seemed strange in a new way.

"Just be patient, Garak. Don't hurt him."

Garak sighed and took Julian’s hand.

"I'll go fetch him but I'll stay for the night, don't worry."

Julian did brighten up a bit at that.

"Thank you - that means a lot to me. I don't want to fight I - I'm still me. A bit."

Jadzia sat at his side.

"It will take time for all to adjust, Julian. Don't you worry. I’ll stay at your side while Garak fetches Kukalaka."

"I feel... short? and tall. And with people in my head. Does it make any sense?"

 

Odo meanwhile had just gotten out of the bucket and was carefully trying to understand what happened to Kira. He raised an eyebrow, he had so many questions.

"Is it like being a drop and the ocean at the same time? How should I call you now? Kira Tiar or Nerys Tiar?" For once, he thought maybe they would understand how each other felt.

She smiled happily. After debating with Jadzia she still had not made her mind about it, but she was happy that was the first thing Odo thought. She found it all very fascinating, or one of the hosts did, anyway.

"You call me Nerys more often, so I suppose Nerys would work."

"Tiar Nerys it is, then. Any word on when will you be able to go to your quarters?"

"Hm, want to accompany me?"

He almost gooed himself at her tone. He nodded, fighting hard to keep solid.

"I see one of the personalities is ... quite outgoing."

"Yes, so it seems... It is quite weird, Odo. But not uncomfortable. They... I... we, oh, hell, whatever, Tiar adds to me quite interestingly."

 

As soon as Garak left, he leaned on the wall outside the infirmary. He was quite sure he was about to have a panic attack. He was definitely not handling this well. And he couldn't even figure out what Julian wanting Kukalaka meant. His Julian was rather attached to the bear, but he never took him out of his quarters.

Garak had never been one to get attached to people to begin with, and this changes in Julian terrified him.

Still, he entered his quarters and got the bear. Garak picked up the bear and held it up.

"Can you tell me what's Julian and what's not? You have known him the longest."

He assessed it and decided to first mend it a bit before going back. Surely _his_ Julian would appreciate having his eye in the right place again. And doing so would give him time to try and gather his senses. He could handle this. He was a spy, he knew how to pretend until the Worm was gone.

When he got back to the infirmary everybody was gone except Julian and Jadzia. He was a pitiful ball, hiding his face in his knees.

 

Kira meanwhile was trying to get Odo drunk. Not even Jadzia got the information about what happened that night.

_“I’m not solid, I can’t hold alcohol.”_

_"All the better, you can drink as much as you want then."_

_"Nerys, you just got out of surgery."_

_"Come on, Odo, let's have a bit of fun."_

 

Julian looked at him and hid his face again.

"Seems you got the one that's taking the symbiont worse, Elim." His smile shaky, lips twisted in a way that bordered on painful. “All the others have been discharged, and look at me. The CMO is still in observation.”

Garak smiled a little, soft even as he tried to hide his relief. He thought it was a good sign, in a way, that Julian wasn't just losing himself to the Symbiont.

"I have Kukalaka. I fixed his eye, it had come loose and moved down his face. It was most distressing."

"Can we go to your quarters now, please? I want to sleep."

He was sure he'd feel better in the morning, more like himself or more like Kelos. More like someone, anyway.

“Of course, dear.” Garak helped him out of the bed and walked him down the hall.


	3. First day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trill is being ravished by civil war, and Julian feels more and more confused with the memories of his symbiont. Jadzia says it shouldn't be possible, and yet...

The next morning, Garak woke up to the smell of a breakfast in the air. He glanced up to find Julian busying himself around the replicator, gaze narrowed on the plate of scones and Ragnar eggs. 

"I'm sorry I was like that tonight. I guess it was too much for me to process. Rokassa juice, love? I think I'll order two glasses."

“You hate Rokassa Juice.” Garak raised an eye ridge as Julian brought the glasses over. Julian shook his head, holding the glass up to his lips with a bright smile. 

"Yes, but Lires didn't, and... oh god, this thing is disgusting. How do you manage to drink it?"

“As I’ve told you many times before, I personally find it quite delicious. Shall I get you some tarkalean tea?”

"Yes, I... I think I won't listen to what the other hosts say they liked. You know I don't like a lot of foods. Stop me if I try to do this again. I think I’ll have this horrible taste in my tongue for the rest of the day." Julian glared at the glass as it had personally offended him.

“It’s possible the other hosts had a more complex palate than you.”

“Anzri liked  _ vole _ meat.”

"Tell me you won't try to serve that when I'm visiting your quarters."

Julian made a horrified expression. He blinked a few times, expression growing pinched. Even with tea, the taste of rokassa was impossible to wash down. He certainly wasn’t going to add vole to that combination. 

"Trust me, I won't serve that even if I'm about to die."

"Good, I'm glad to know that some things are still the same."

Julian sighed softly, tapping the edge of the breakfast tray in a pattern he found soothing. Or one of him did, anyway. He could still see Garak was weary of him.

"Elim. I’m still me. Can you please try to stay and understand me this time? Think of it as if I was sick, in a way, if you need to."

"I - I will do my best. I'm sorry, I know you're still you. None of the hosts would have known the name of your childhood toy." He still was not happy sharing Julian with all the people suddenly populating his head, but Jadzia was right- It was unfair of him to add even more stress to the young human.

"I have a free day so I can recover. Want me to flood you with data about symbionts? would that help you understand? I'd still like to discuss gardening but maybe that's not too Julian at this moment."

"Flood me with as much science as you'd like, dear. And I wouldn't mind talking about gardening, if it won't bore you."

Julian beamed at him, eyes bright at the idea of discussing a new favorite topic with him.

"I suddenly feel very interested in gardening. You know, Meolia was... sorry, you don't want to hear about them.”

"No, no, I was being an ass. Tell me about it, Julian."

Despite his initial reluctance, soon Garak found himself discussing about plants as if he was talking with Julian about books. There was a charm to this new Julian.

Julian was still talking quite a lot and smiling as he always did when he learned something new, but there was something nice about delighting with him about the same things. Most people were not willing to talk about gardening with the sole cardassian of the station, so he was quite alone in his hobbies.

Garak made a face at an assertion made by Julian, expression slightly pinched even as his gaze grew amused. Or maybe it was Meolia who said that? He didn’t know or care anymore.

"You can't tell me that hybrid is a better option than a vulcan tomato, dear! the taste is unbearable!" 

"As if Vulcans ever cared about taste."

"But you should if you're the one creating it, dear!"

"The hybrid has more nutrients and a deeper shade of purple."

"I don't trust my food when it is purple."

Julian expression changed at that. Where there was a playful amusement before, now there was something mean, sarcastic.

"Ever been poisoned with something that color, Elim?"

Garak didn't quite like that. That's probably the security host talking. Definitely, he liked Meolia, but he didn’t like Delon. He wasn’t used to Julian not trusting him. He decided to make his sweetest expression instead of answering. At least to the symbiont. There were things he’d rather discuss with Julian, and Julian alone.

"Now that is a story for another time, I think. Back to the vegetables, shall we?"

"I think that answered my question. So, what do you think about the modified carrots from the Kalos colony? Quite a feat, weren't they?"

Garak didn't like that at all, but he tried to keep his expression even. He wouldn’t show his annoyance this early in a debate. 

"In ruining carrots? Certainly."

"Wha- those carrots saved from starvation countless worlds!"

"Oh, I'm not saying they didn't have their use, Julian. But once they had, you have to admit they were rather bland."

"I rather like bland food."

" _ You _ do."

Julian leaned on him seductively, with one hand resting on Garak’s thigh. He smirked a bit, gaze growing hooded as he licked his lips. Garak raises an eye ridge, waiting for Julian to say something before he made any moves. 

"Still not convinced I am me?"

Garak blinked a bit and then smiled, slow and wide and just a touch dangerous. That game  _ was  _ Julian, not any trill messing with his head.

"Well, this is certainly helping."

"And what else could I do to help? I have the whole day free, after all."

Julian widened his smirk and looked down at Garak’s hands, careful not to let the other man see his gaze just yet. Truth was, Julian was still terrified of being rejected by Garak.

"Hmm, I think we could make sure your enhanced flexibility is still there."

"Lead the way, my dear tailor."

Again, Julian wanted to cry, this time of relief as he let Garak guide him to the bedroom. He didn't want to be alone. Be less. Not be what was expected. He was making the biggest effort to prove he was still as smart as ever, because if not, they may make him disappear again, go into the dark and... 

He gasped and recoiled, sitting on the bed suddenly at that thought. Whose memory  _ was _ that?

Garak pulled back and gently cradled Julian's cheek. 

"Dear, is something the matter?"

"No, no, I'm... I'm fine. Don't think I'm still... me."

"Oh." Garak raised an eye ridge and tried to keep his voice soft as he sat down next to him. This was proving to be most confusing. "Do you want me to do something differently?"

"No! just need a moment. Don't go away, just... there, where were we?" his smile was a bit forced, gaze looking more terrified than anything else. 

"I'm not going anywhere, dear, but I think we should table that for a moment. Here, let me hold you."

"I really don't want to talk about this. Please."

"Julian."

Garak forced Julian to look at him, waiting until he nodded and gulped, expression pained.

“I have someone, someone very young, in my head, who is terrified of being alone and not enough, and punished, and rejected and, and, is that what you want to hear? Now will you please shut up?” 

Julian gave him a look that was apologetic and reproachful at the same time, before pressing his head against Garak’s shoulder a bit, shuddering. He suddenly seemed almost fragile. 

"Julian, dear. Look at me. We should really talk about this."

“I don’t want to talk about it! I don’t understand why - I have no idea where this host came from. He doesn’t feel like the rest.”

Julian sat on the corner of the bed as he pulled away from Garak, sliding his head in his hands. He felt like fighting panic again, the too hot feeling of anxiety slowly pulsing it’s way through his stomach and up his esophagus. Most of his hosts were incredible, but this one felt so off.

"I just don't want to be alone, Elim."

Garak wrapped his arms around him and kissed him on the forehead. He kept his arms close but loose enough that Julian could easily pull away if he wanted to. Now didn’t feel like a time for pressure. 

“I’m not going anywhere.”

"Yesterday you almost did."

“Yesterday I was being a selfish fool. Luckily I’ve quite recovered from that.”

Julian sighed at his words and let Garak pull him down until they were lying on the bed. Julian fell asleep like that, the fight going out of him as his face slowly relaxed. Garak stayed awake, wondering how to ask Jadzia about this.

 

Meanwhile, Jake was writing. 

He couldn't believe his luck. He was very confused, but the knowledge his hosts had was incredible. He knew, because they had told him, that once the symbiont was gone the memories would fade too, and he needed to get all of that down. Whatever the cost.

Nog was seriously considering to ask for a transfer, or even go to his father’s quarters to stay, because he'd had a maniac human-trill writing all night as if sleep was for the weak. But Jake looked so happy he didn't want to disturb him.

"Jake, can you at least turn down the lights? I need to sleep. I have a night shift."

"Ok, Nog, and if you don’t mind I think... maybe I’ll tidy up the place a bit. I need to move after writing for so long.computer, lights at 5%. Happy now?"

Jake got up, stretched and dutifully recycled all his plates and folded his clothes.

“I am, thank you.” Nog groaned and went to sleep. Finally he could get some rest. And a clean place for a change.

 

Julian slept restlessly while Garak watched over him, tossing and turning and making hurt sounds every so often. Garak waited until he was sure he was asleep and would stay that way for some time. Then he called Jadzia. He went to the living room, closing the door so Julian would not be disturbed. 

Jadzia arrived within a few minutes, her smile just a bit too tight to be natural. She must had been worried about her friends as well. Garak just hoped it was the right set of friends. 

"Jadzia, there's something wrong with that symbiont."

"What do you mean, _ wrong _ ? Kelos is a strong and very wise one. He was in perfect health."

"There's a child in there." 

Jadzia’s eyes widened, hands falling to her sides. Clearly that wasn’t what she’d been expecting to hear. 

"What? That's impossible. You have the memories of their whole life, but you don’t regress into their early age. There can’t be a child." 

Garak grunted a bit, just resisting the urge to roll his eyes. These Federation people really had the hardest time believing rules might have been broken, despite the fact most of them broke their own on a daily basis for the greater good. Truly inexplicable. 

"And yet, there it is."

"Symbionts are only given to adults. And they are tested before getting one." 

"Like Dax being given to a serial killer, I assume."

"Garak, Dax being given to a serial killer was a mistake, but those are very unusual.” Garak just resisted the urge to snort at that. “And these 3 symbionts all had less lives than Dax to begin with. A child would not be able to hold a symbiont anyway. There’s a very narrow window in which we can bond in our adult age." 

"And yet there is one in Julian's mind."

Jadzia shook her head, gaze narrowing a little as questions overtook her gaze. Apparently this truly must have been impossible in her mind. She glanced toward the bedroom, expression softening a bit. 

"I can help him meditate, maybe those are childhood memories of a former host. Is he awake?"

“He’s resting. The sudden memories of the child confused him. They seemed... unhappy, disturbing. Beaten down.”

Jadzia frowned, brow furrowing as she brought a hand up to rest on his shoulder. Garak glanced down at the congenial touch, eye ridges pushing together. 

"Garak... how much do you know, really know, Julian? couldn't those be his? We all know there’s a lot he hasn’t told us about his early ages."

"His? But if they were, wouldn't Julian be able to recognize them as his own?"

"Maybe there's too much trauma."

"He has perfect memory. He never forget things. I can't believe he'd be able to block like that."

Jadzia gave him a knowing look, expression sad and far away. Clearly she’d come to a conclusion he hadn’t yet. 

“He might be able to, if they were from before.”

"But then, why are those memories resurfacing? You told me the symbiont brain would not affect his."

Jadzia looked guilty this time, gaze dropping to the floor. Garak stilled, worry burning through his chest in spite of himself. Nothing about this conversation was giving him hope that Julian would be anything near okay any time soon. 

“I didn’t think it would, but we don’t typically deal with cases of repressed memories either. As harsh as it sounds, if you had early life trauma you are forbidden from joining the program.”

"Is his life at risk by it?"

"All their lives are at risk as long as we can't deliver these symbionts to Trill."

Jadzia’s voice was tight, expression growing pinched as she glanced at the door again. Garak wondered just how little time they really had left. But that was a thought for later. Right now the only thing that mattered was Julian. 

“Of course. But the memories in Julian? You’ll excuse me if I sound callous, but that’s all I care at this moment.”

“We need to figure out where they’re coming from and whose they are first. We could have a separation ceremony.”

"I see. I'll tell him when he wakes up."

“Thank you, Garak.” Jadzia got up to leave, giving Garak a small smile. She knew when a couple needed to be alone.

She decided to pay a visit to Jake. Being the youngest there was a bigger risk for him to get lost into the symbiont. If that had happened on top of possibly trapping Julian inside his own traumatic memories, well… Jadzia couldn’t help feeling like it was her fault, volunteers or not. 

Nog greeted at the door. He looked... happy?

"He's doing his chores and cleaning. Please don't take the symbiont away."

Jadzia smiled kindly at him, shaking her head a little.

“As nice as that is for you, I need to take it away eventually. Humans can’t survive with symbionts. Besides, pretty soon you’ll miss the old Jake.”

"I'm sure I will. But let him keep it until he finishes removing the food stains on the wall."

“All right, I’m just here to see how he’s handling it.”

Jake smiled brightly at her, waving with one hand as he continued to clean the wall with the other. 

"It's an amazing gift, having them with me. I can't believe I was so lucky to end up with a journalist."

Jadzia smiled back and sat down on his couch. 

“And how are you,  _ Jake _ , feeling?”

She thought he looked more like himself and less anxious than Julian. That was a start. Maybe it was true that being the youngest one he’d hold it better.

"I feel... grown up, if it makes any sense."

“It does. You have so many more years circling around your head right now. But I hope you also still feel like Jake.”

"I think they are all trying not to mess with my sense of being me too much. They try to be as quiet as possible."

Jake grinned at her again, eyes warm and knowing. He was himself, but he was also older, glowing with the knowledge and wisdom of another being.

“That’s very kind of them. I’m glad to see you’re doing so well, although you should make sure to get some rest as well.”

Jadzia was relieved. She worried about Jake, but he seemed to be thriving so far.

Of course, she thought, the fact that he wrote thousands of words, was not really sleeping and suddenly wanted to clean and be an adult proved the symbionts were still leaking into him, but at least, he was lucky enough to get one of the wisest and kindest she'd ever known.

Jadzia exhaled in relief. She’d worried about Jake and Julian. She trusted Kira not to lose herself, knew she was far too stubborn for that. But Julian and Jake never had been. Jake was safe at least. She picked one of the pads and read a bit. It was really good, not quite the normal style Jake had, but also not totally Saros Mar.

“It’s good you’re writing. I hope they can help you shape it into something really great.”

"I'd like to make a trip to Trill to make my story even more credible by having first hand experiences, but yes, they have expanded my creative horizons in a way I never thought possible."

“How wonderful. Maybe I could show you around Trill after we meet with the Symbiont commission.”

She didn't want to tell him Trill was cut off and still no communications were going in or out. No need to worry him yet.

 

She decided to go to Ben to talk about that issue. Things on Trill definitely seemed to be getting worse every minute.

Jadzia stopped in his office and shook her head a little, biting his lip as she collapsed into the nearest seat. Now she could show just how tired she is, how worried. It’s been 2 hours since her visit to Jake, and there were no good news at all. 

“We have a serious problem here, Ben.”

"You couldn't reach Trill either? the news from Starfleet seem distressing."

“There’s more and more social discontent. Things have been tense ever since it was discovered they lied to us about how many people could bond, and most joined people are fleeing in fear they will be killed and their symbionts stolen.”

"There's been humanitarian aid sent, but Central Command lost contact with them as well. How long will Jake and the others be able to hold the symbionts?"

Jadzia closed her eyes, shaking her head a bit again. Things were bad no matter how she looked at it. And with the joined trills requesting asylum all across the quadrant, it was almost impossible to find candidates for the joining. The symbionts would be too weak to be joined with somebody without training if they didn’t manage to get new candidates soon.

“A week or two at most. Then the joining will start attacking their immune system.”

Sisko let out a sound that was close to a groan. He knew what he had to say next would not be easy on Dax, but they had to face the truth.

"Old man, let's be honest with this. As much as they are your friends, I don't want my son with lifelong consequences or dead. I don’t want that for the doctor or Kira either.”

“I know. I’m using what resources we have. If worse comes to worse, Ezri is here and we can check for other trills nearby. Jake is handling this as well as anyone could though. You should be proud.”

"It's not a matter of being proud. The separation is even more dangerous than joining them in the first place, and we don't have any trill doctor available. These trills chose a very bad moment to have an accident."

“I don’t disagree, Ben, and I’m not happy with this situation either. But we have to do what we have to do. I’ll protect the symbionts for as long as I can, but I won’t risk Kira or Jake or Julian for them either, don’t worry. I’m sure the symbionts will want to protect their lives as well.”

She knew what to do. She needed to help her friends. Jadzia’s friends. Dax understood.

Sisko nodded slowly and gave her a rueful look, gaze pained. Jadzia decided to take that as her leave. The only one left to check on was Kira.

 

Kira, despite being ordered to rest, was in her station, discussing via subspace with a slightly terrified vedek.

"What do you mean, 'the Kai is on her way'? We are not a hote... yes, I know she can travel whenever she wants, but there are people working here! It’s not like she can just appear and book a room!"

Jadzia cleared her throat and Kira cut the communication without even saying goodbye. She turned around, arms crossed tightly against her chest and expression pinched. 

"Kira, a word? Shouldn't you be resting?"

"Yes, but... I was feeling uncomfortable with all those thoughts in my head."

Jadzia came up behind her and grabbed her arm, touch light. Kira huffed a bit, but relaxed just a little, some of the confused anger going out of her gaze. It was better than Jadzia expected. 

“Well... At least you’re still yourself.”

"I am at least 5 myselves, Jadzia. It's driving me crazy. Try to make Kai Winn stay as far away from me as possible, or any of the hosts will lash out at her. They don't seem to have as much religious respect as I do."

“I can’t imagine they would, we trills are not quite a spiritual people. I’ll do my best. And you need to keep yourself. I know you can.” Jadzia grinned a little, gaze growing soft. Jadzia hugged Kira, gaze growing slightly teary. “Thank you, for doing this.”

"Any news from Trill?"

She was beginning to be restless as well. It wasn’t that she regretted her decision, but they had been trying to get in touch with somebody, anybody on Trill all day with no avail. She didn’t want to let Tiar die.

"Only that things are still bad."

“Of course. Ezri is here ... are there any other trills?”

"No. Just hang on, I'm sure we'll solve it."

Kira wished that Jadzia sounded more confident and less defeated when she said that. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments are love! this week was a bit of a hell and our muse evaded us, but we still managed to keep it going :)


	4. Hidden

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Julian decides to go through the separation ceremony to find the secret host inside his head, guided by Ezri, current counselor of the station.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's aliveeee! Sorry it took so long to get back to this story. We were struggling a bit with the part that will come in chapter 5, because it required both research and sci-fi to pull it. Probably it will be done by the end of the week, and then, 4 chapters to the end!

Three days later, Julian decided that he just couldn't take it anymore. The hosts were all amazing and mostly discreet and helpful, but that child... He felt him screaming in his head all the time, trying to be heard,, but he had no idea how to listen. He wasn’t like the others. 

  Julian decided to ask, beg if needed, for a separation ceremony. He needed to know them and understand what was happening. He risked not being able to do his job in the best case, going mad in the worst. Doctor Ezri volunteered to help, and explained to him how things would go.

"Julian, you'll need 4 friends for the symbiont hosts, but I'd suggest a fifth one if you really think there’s another one that's unaccounted for."

"I don't  _ think. _ I know he's there, Ezri." He crossed his arms, annoyed. Why was it so hard for everyone to understand? There had obviously been a screw up in Trill. Julian wasn’t surprised at that anymore, considering the precedents of Jadzia having a serial killer in her head. 

“Okay. Who are you thinking about? Remember, Kira and Jake are both out of the equation.”

“What about Jadzia?”

"She's joined. You can rule her out as well."

“Of course." Julian not his lip, furrowing his brow as he considered his options. He was a bit disappointed, as he would have wanted his friend to help him and no one understood this situation better than Jadzia. "Then I think -obviously Miles. Captain Sisko. After the last time, I think we can rule Odo out for this kind of adventure. I wouldn't want to chase him all through the station so he can give me back my memories.”

"The symbiont memories, Julian." Ezri’s voice was short, expresion tightening a hair. 

"Yes, of course, you're right."

Ezri was beginning to suspect Julian was too comfortable with the symbiont, except for the little child. That notion had to be taken out of his head soon, because the consequences of keeping it would be dire. She smiled at him, knowing it was not yet the time for that discussion. Soon.

"What about Garak?"

"He's still too uneasy with all this thing. I'm not sure he'd like to participate."

Ezri snorted a bit, swallowing down the urge to laugh. Finally someone agreed with her. “I can imagine, this whole thing is bizarre even for me. Who else?”

"Would you do this for me, Ezri? I know you don't like the idea of being joined, but perhaps you could be the child." His eyes were almost begging, hands shaking slightly as though expecting rejection.

“I could do that much, I think. So just two more.” Ezri gave him a nervous smile. Even if she didn't like the whole symbiont business, she owed it to their friendship.  “Maybe Leeta? I think she'd do this for you, too."

“She would. I don’t think she’d mind, we stayed friendly after the breakup." Julian thought a bit, going over what friends he had in his mind. Felix wouldn’t be able to get there in time and he didn’t trust that Morn wouldn’t jump at the chance to have someone to talk to all the time. They were both out, which left … well, the next one was perhaps a bit bizarre, but he trusted him. That’s what counted. "And General Martok and I are friends of a fashion after our time together in the internment camp.”

If his choice surprised Ezri, she didn’t anything away, expression a warm smile. “Alright, then. I'll talk with them and arrange for the ceremony. Do you to stay alone with them? You can choose somebody to assist and support you."

“I’d like Garak with me, if that’s all right.”

"Of course. It's your ceremony."

She gave him an encouraging smile and patted the back of his hand, already going through the details in her mind.

 

So first, Sisko became Anzri, talking warmly about art as he swept his hands through the air, making landscapes only he - or well, Anzri - could see. It seemed weird at first, having him act so differently, but soon Julian forgot his initial reluctance and enjoyed meeting Anzri. He was so proud that beautiful person was inside his belly when their time was over.

Then came Martok as Meolia.

Julian felt it was almost funny, watching that fierce Klingon shyly talk about plants. He ended up talking more with Garak, but Julian didn't feel jealous at all. instead he felt warm and happy watching Garak smile and chat with someone other than him, without any ulterior motives or reasons to think they might shoot him at any given second. 

  Julian knew just how lonely he'd been, and it was a blessing being able to gift him this.

"I really like you, Garak. You're good for Julian, he's better thanks to you, happier." Martok smiled softly, in the most unklingon way as he laid one hand over Garak’s own.  

"Is that Martok or Meolia talking, dear?"

"Perhaps it is both." He gave him a crooked smile, bowing a bit as he moved towards the door. Clearly the child wasn’t him. 

“Hopefully. I’d like to think I can win over anyone.” Garak told him with a wide smile, having no idea how fully that thought was about to be proven wrong. 

But then Miles was there Delon, barely repressing himself from sniffing the air with distaste at Garak, eyeing him the same way Garak glared at Dukat. Garak immediately got a bit more tense, shoulders straighter than before. 

  Garak had to remind himself it was just a ghost, a man long dead, but it was not easy with the Chief circling him, suddenly aloof and imposing. 

  After 10 minutes of barely hidden threats between Delon and Garak, Julian was ready to throw them both into the wormhole.

"Can you both please behave? I'm trying to get to know my hosts, and it's a bit hard when you are about to bite each other's throats." Julian snapped, voice clipped as he threw his hands up in the air. No wonder Garak hadn’t been interested in another spy, when it was impossible for him to talk to one without ending in some kind of pissing contest. 

“Of course." Miles smiled nastily at Garak, expresion cool in a way he usually reserved for people like Dukat. "I’m just looking out for your best interests. He is a Cardassian spy, son.”

Garak snorted, laugh dangerously bright. "And you’re a trill spy. Same thing, if you ask me."

“I’m not a spy. I’m an intelligence officer.”

Garak scoffed at that, smirk widening to unprecedented levels. "Putting a fancy name to it doesn't change the nature of the work. It just makes it sound a bit more official."

" _ Garak." _

Julian was beginning to lose his patience, hands clenching tightly at his sides. Julian didn't like Delon as much as the others either — God knows he’d always had issues with authority — but if he was going to have him in his head, the least he expected was for them both to behave.

“Fine, Fine. Now what words of wisdom do you have for Julian here?” Garak sat across him, not blinking as he held Delon’s gaze. Julian wondered idly if they even remembered he was here. 

"Beware of cardassians."

Julian threw his hands to the air, just resisting the urge to start arguing with both of them. Really. Wasn't he the youngest in the room, to be acting as their nanny?

“Delon! I think that’s enough. Let’s move on to Leeta as Lires.”

Miles left the room walking backward, his eyes never leaving Garak’s. When the door closed, Julian glared at Garak too, who was looking at him with a cross expression.

"You both acted like children."

“Maybe a little. He just gets on my nerves.” 

Leeta walked in then, with perfect and very stiff posture, expression holding none of the suspicion that Miles' had. Garak visibly relaxed in his seat and Julian prayed things went better this time. 

  Indeed, they ended up having a very nice chat with her, polite and soft, but with a passionate undertone. She was really interested in what Garak had to say as an outsider from the Federation about the political situation of her home planet, and the quadrant in general.

"These riots... I really fear Trill society will never be the same. And I fear what will happen if you need to go there to get the symbiont removed, Julian. You may be in danger." Her eyes were worried and kind.

Julian looked at her and shook his head, taking one of her hands in his and giving it a reassuring squeeze. He already knew that, but was heartbroken both by the risk for them and for the possibility of parting ways, acting as if this joining had never happened.

“I know, but I have to take that risk for all five of you. I can’t survive with the Symbiont in me for more than a few weeks, sadly, I know it, but I want to try my best. And you can’t survive except in the pools.”

Lires shook their hands on her way out, smile a bit warmer than when she came in the room. 

 Then Ezri entered, with a worried expression on her face.

Julian swallowed a bit, going still as he took on her expression. Is this the child, confused and wide-eyed because they somehow had a Symbiont forced on them when they were nowhere near ready? Does he even has a name? All Julian know is that he's a boy, he's sad, and that he's scared.

Except no, Julian had seen Ezri make that expression plenty of times. That is not another person. Somehow the ceremony has been as beautiful as it has been a failure.

“Should I take it there wasn’t an extra mind in the Symbiont after all, Ezri?”

“It doesn’t seem like it. There were no other minds in the Symbiont. We were thorough.”

Julian swallowed tightly, taking in her sympathetic expression, the worry in her gaze.  This didn’t bring the answers he wanted. “And going by your expression, I’m guessing you didn’t learn about any childhood trauma when you talked to the various Kelos’.”

“No, none of them had any idea what I was talking about, Julian.” 

“Which makes you think it’s in my memories.” 

They had discussed it, Julian knew it was a possibility, but still he refused to believe that. It didn't make sense, he had a perfect memory, not even trauma could be forgotten. Months after the internment camp he was still waking up at night, memories as fresh as if it had happened just the day before.

Ezri smiled, tilting her head to the right. “I think it’s certainly worth exploring. Julian, if you’d be willing, we could try hypnosis. I've been researching that Terran technique for some months now.”

“And if they’re not mine? I can't believe there's something I could bury, Ezri. I could tell you what I ate each day of my life without a single mistake.”

“Then something is going on here besides you or the Symbiont that we’d need to know about anyway. You could have memories implanted or something else. Think about it?”

Julian closed his eyes, instinct and reason warning. His mind was a minefield of memories and secrets no one except Garak and Miles were allowed to know. But his mind also couldn’t do anyone any good while he was afraid of it. He had learned that the hard way with the “All right.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments are love!


	5. Found

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Julian goes through hypnosis, and what he finds is not exactly of his liking.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took so long to get back to this story! We decided to do a bit of research on hypnosis first.

Julian felt like he was going mad. He’d read about Trill hypnosis techniques, and human techniques too, but... how would that work in a not quite human man joined to a species not compatible with his own? He trusted Ezri, was confident in her abilities, but he was worried about the effects this could have. But the ceremony didn't give him answers and he needed them. 

  Julian didn’t think he couldn’t take this anymore.  He didn’t understand what these memories were, and where they were going. But then, what if that technique had unforeseen consequences...? His mind was going around in circles.

Ezri traced, along with Jadzia and counselor Troi, assisting via subspace, the best plan she could manage to make the procedure work. She would have liked to have another counselor with her in the room, but she couldn't get anyone. Eventually she decided that letting Julian go mad was a bigger risk than attempting to find the truth without a more experienced doctor in the room.

"I'll put you in a state similar to a meditative one, and I'll guide you from there. Ever done something like that, Julian?"

“I’ve meditated plenty, but nothing beyond that.” Julian smiled nervously, running his hands across his padd. “You might have heard, but some people would say introspection isn’t my strong suit. I know how hypnosis works anyway, I’ve attended several lectures.”

"It's not the same when you're guided. You'll get in a deeper state, but you won't do anything you don't want, as you must already be aware."

“All right. And I’ll be able to get out if I want?”

"Yes, at any time you decide. You won’t lose control, or at least I think you won’t. There’s no way to tell exactly what will happen considering your unique position. I’m worried it could be confusing for you or the Kelos’ identities.”

Julian paced the room, moving just a bit too quickly. He didn’t really care at the moment.  He knew all the risks, had gone through all of them in his head already. "Then what other options do we have? I can't live like this, Ezri. I can’t function anymore because I fear I’ll trip and scratch my knees or feel like crying when food is a bit too cold for my taste."

“Well, If you’re sure... we can try it.” Ezri gave him a cautious smile. She couldn’t blame him for how he felt. After all, she didn’t think she could live with  either, even if the possibility of having to live like that felt more likely and closer to reality as the days went by without news from Trill.

Julian nodded and then flopped on to a chair tiredly, thanking her and going through the last details for what they were going to do. He knew he wouldn't do anything he didn't like, as he had studied the procedure. And Garak would be there to help. 

 

They walked out of her office and stopped on the upper floors, looking down at the promenade.

"Elim, I want you to know when I'd like you to stop things, in case this doesn't work quite as it should, considering I have the symbiont and my augmentation. Can you be my safeguard?"

“Always, my dear. Now what exactly would be cause for alarm?” Garak asked softly.

Julian sighed. There were far too many things he didn’t want to talk about, but he decided to only list the important ones. "I don't want to talk about section 31. Nor about how I tampered with tests to pass as human, or my fears thorough my teen years, after I discovered what has been done to me. And I don't want to say anything that could endanger Ezri just for knowing it. The prophets know I've been in one too many secret missions already."

Garak nodded quickly, raising an eye ridge. All sensible requests. “No, and I would prefer if you didn’t tell her about the wire as well, dear. So anything between the ages of say... 6 and 14 and 20 to now are all right as long as they don’t involve section 31 or our away trips to Cardassia and Bajor?”

"Yes, and any other secrets I managed to find out about you. Also ex lovers would be better not to talk about." He winked at Garak playfully,l leaning in to bump their shoulders together.

“Hmm, I fear that last one might be rather hard, when you have so many.”

"Well, I never said your job would be easy."

“No, but it sounds like it will be entertaining.” Garak squeezed his hand, still a touch unsure. He didn’t like the idea of anyone going through Julian’s memories, even with his permission.

Julian leaned over the rails, looking at the people busying themselves, walking from one place to another as if there was no war, no civil disturbances, nothing to change the normal life of the station. Finally he sighed and looked at Garak.

"I have a holosuite for tonight, want to go and relax? In two days my subconscious will be scrambled, so I think we're entitled to a bit of fun."

“That sounds lovely, my dear. Something relaxing maybe? I’d prefer not to fight in another war tonight.”

"I'll let you choose."

 

Garak woke up the morning of the procedure, and found Julian was missing. A quick hacking into the station computers showed his commbadge was in the arboretum. He was quite sure the Constable was conscious he did that from time to time, but had decided long ago not to protest anymore.

Garak found Julian collecting flowers in the small garden, a perfect bouquet in his hands. Julian smiled brightly when he saw Garak enter, holding the bouquet up with a look of pride. 

“I made this. The flowers are quite unique.”

”Which host gave you the idea? Meolia, right?"

“Meolia, I think, yes. She had quite a nice garden, as you know. And her sense of aesthetics was flawless.”

"How does it feel being a she as well as yourself?" He’d been wanting to ask this for days. Also, maybe that would bring new information out about the mysterious child. “Or any of the others and yourself, for that matter?”

Julian gave it some thought, looking at the flowers around him. "Strange, to be honest. All sort of physical memories I can't interpret. Memories of body parts I don’t actually have, expressions I’ve never made, tastes I don’t have. Not annoying, really, actually it is incredibly interesting, but it’s confusing. No surprise Jadzia had to study and prepare for so many years."

“I can imagine. Anything else bothering you?” He grabbed the bouquet Julian was preparing. It really was beautiful and flawless.

"I feel... there's a lot of people inside my head. They try to be kind and not invade me but it’s difficult."

“It does seem that way.”

“Anzri - she was the painter - she bit her nails and was terrible at math. I keep being surprised when I calculate in my head. And my fingers are a disaster. I used to have a perfect manicure.” He showed Garak his hands, and the cardassian playfully kissed his fingertips.

"Would you keep the symbiont if you could, Julian?"

That was the question that had been floating between them for days now. The more time it passed, the more Julian opened up about his hosts and interpreted their memories, the more it seemed he was becoming attached to them.

“I ... I don’t know. I don’t want anyone to know what goes on in my head. But, I don’t feel like, well. Me. “

"But they are dead, they won't go through life telling your secrets."

"Until all my secrets pour into the next trill. I don't know why would Jadzia want all her intimate self to be passed to someone she doesn't know. And at the same time, I love those little bits I get from them. I guess... trill initiates actually are willing to let others inside their heads. They are a bit less selfish than me, who doesn’t want it to go both ways. I love what I’m getting but I’m not sure I’m willing to give."

“So that’s the issue. You want to keep your own memories and emotions to yourself.”

“Do you want a random trill to know about our sex life, Elim? Is that why you’ve put off certain aspects of our relationship since getting the Symbiont?”

Garak looked at the distance, thinking how to express his concerns. Julian was not wrong, but it was mostly... 

"I feel like I'm sharing you with 4 other people."

"I feel like... that's not something I want to, either. I don't know the psychological implication of this. Honestly, I don't know how does Jadzia manage it."

Garak looked at the flowers for some moments. “It is a lovely bouquet, though.”

 

Julian entered the hypnotic state with an ease that surprised Ezri. She’d been sure she’d have to fight his mind to get him to rest, and yet, he just closed his eyes and relaxed.

Julian slowly counted to zero as instructed by her and let his voice lower in tone and speed. She started by asking questions only the hosts could answer, then only Julian, and finally, she asked if there was somebody else there. After an hour going back and forth through Julian’s and the symbionts life, she was rather tired.

“There’s me.” Julian’s voice sounded a bit slurred, and certainly higher. “I don’t know where I am. I was with daddy and mommy on a trip."

“I see. Where were you going? Somewhere on Earth or Trill, perhaps, dear?”

"No, I... they say I'm dumb and ill and the trip will help me."

“How could a trip help with that, sweet?” Ezri stomach twisted into knots. There was a suspicion growing on her mind, more and more... one look at Garak told her he was suspecting the same thing.

Julian moved his head to the sides, without opening his eyes, restless. "Where is Kukalaka? Where is my mommy? She cries too, when I'm dumb." Julian began rocking back and forth. Garak knew that movement far too well. Julian tried to avoid being seen doing it, but sometimes the tension was too much for him to stop himself. "Daddy... daddy don't like me. He says I am a... embarrassment." Julian frown, trying to pronounce the hard word.

“You’re not, I am sure.” She used her sweetest tone.

"Will you make me better?" Julian looked hopefully between them, eyes wide. 

"Daddy will be mad if I don't get... not dumb."

"Tell me your name." Garak sounded decided, but his heart was racing.

“Jules. My name is Jules.”

"Jules? Who's Jules?" Ezri knew she didn’t need to ask, but did anyway. This was the one scenario she had discarded as too fantastic to be true.

Garak wondered if it entered in the "don't let me say this" territory. But Julian has been adamant in that in hypnosis it was impossible to make people do what they didn't want to, so...

“ a’m Jules.” The voice sounded less sure of that than it should have, lips pursing a bit.

"Where are you, Jules? How old are you?"

“I’m six.” He repeated what he had said earlier, as if he was used to not being paid enough attention. “I’m on vacation with my mom and dad but - where are they?”

"I'm sure they are close, Jules. Where are you staying?"

“I - I don’t know. We were on a ship! We were going to take a vacation, but then mommy took me to a weird hospital.”

Garak made a gesture to Ezri, who nodded and let him talk. She could see his scales were pale, and his voice trembled slightly when he talked. "What are they doing to you in that hospital?"

“They’re going to make me better. Daddy said I’m sick.”

"Sick? Why, are you coughing, dear?"

“No, but the other kids are smarter than me.” Jules started to feel agitated. "I don't want Daddy to get angry at me for being slow again."

“Your daddy shouldn’t be angry at you for that.” Ezri replied softly, her expression growing a bit strained.

“But he is! He gets real mad and shakes me when I get things wrong!”

"Are you scared of your dad? What does your mother do?" Ezri asked with a reassuring smile. She was not sure how to take this. Had the symbiont awoken repressed traumas in Julian? She knew a bit about his past but she had no idea how awful his father had been, and watching a 30 years old man cower in fear was breaking her heart.

Julian shook his head quickly, one hand squeezing the side of his chair just a bit tighter than before. “Mom doesn’t do anything. She tries to calm him down sometimes or she cries a lot.”

"And what do you do?"

"I cry too, and sometimes hug Kukalaka until I fall asleep. Where's Kukalaka? I want her."

“Kukalaka is in her quarters on the ship right now. She’s safe and resting now.”

"I want her." Julian started to sob, and Ezri looked at Garak, pleading with her eyes. He nodded and rose to his feet with a speed he rarely showed.

“I’ll be right back. I’m going to go get Kukalaka and you’re going to stay here with Ezri, all right?”

Jules rocked back and forth until Garak came back with the bear and put her in his arms. "Kukalaka! I was afraid daddy would tear your leg again."

“I’ll make sure he doesn’t.” Garak promised as he handed the bear to Julian, who hugged it to his chest. He leaned back against the chair a bit more as he squeezed the bears arms. Garak glanced at Ezri nervously.

"Daddy says I can't play if I'm not good at things like the other kids. That I'm too old not to know things. And that I draw wrong too. Crooked. But I like to draw! I will draw better after the vacation, mommy told me."

“I don’t think your drawings are ugly. They’re unique like you. Everyone is different and develops at their own pace.” Garak shook his head. Really, Julian better not let his parents stay near him, or...

"You didn't see them. They are dumb."

“Did you think that or were you told that?”

"Daddy knows all. So he told me."

“Well, I don’t think he does. In fact he seems -“

“Garak.” Ezri interrupted him, placing a hand on his knee. He turned his head at her, enraged, the ridges around his eyes tightening and his eyes suddenly bloodshot.

"What? His father is certainly giving him a terrible childhood. That is no way to raise a son!"

"We can't interfere with him at this point. Just let him talk."

“Inter - are you doctors?” Julian asked as he rocked back and forth again, holding Kukalaka a bit closer to his chest.

"Yes, but we want to know how you feel. We won't do anything to you, Jules."

"Doctors say that and it's never true. The use needles and shake their heads a lot.”

“We really do just want to know more about you, Jules. I’m a therapist, that means I’m a doctor who helps people with their thoughts and feelings. I won’t use needles.”

"Will you fix me so daddy likes me?"

“First I need to know why you think your daddy doesn’t like you.”

“Because I’m dumb and I can’t do stuff right.” Julian looked down, the tears from before having mostly subsided. Garak didn’t know if that was a good sign or not. “I hear them talking when they think I’m not listening.”

"And you believe him?"

Julian frowned slightly, face scrunching up. "Yes, but... all the people in my head says I'm not dumb, now. I didn't have people before. It is so weird, they are all grown ups."

“Do those people include someone with a name very much like yours?” Ezri asked, voice careful and gaze tenuous. Garak wondered if this would be the moment Julian decided to wake up. 

"I think so! but he's smart."

Ezri smiled at that, expression warm and thoughtful as she pressed her hand under her chin. “Yes, yes he is. Does he seem ... closer than the other voices?”

"He... he doesn't want to talk to me."

Ezri raises an eyebrow at that, though there was no shock in her gaze. Simply curiosity. Why not?”

"I don't know. He... he says he wants out. What does that mean? He doesn't want me to keep talking."

“That means that he’s scared of what he thinks you might mean.” Garak’s voice was suddenly very kind as he leaned over to pat Kukalaka on the head. He let his hands run over a few uneven stitches and wondered which Julian’s work they were.

"Why? I'm just a dumb kid."

“No, you’re not. Not for us or for him. He thinks you’re a ghost.” Garak confided in an amused voice, grinning widely even though it reached nowhere near his eyes.  

That made Julian giggle, loud and sudden. "I don't like ghosts! I don't want to be one so I won’t! Ever!"

“Don’t worry, I don’t think you’re a ghost. Julian is smart, but sometimes he’s not very rational.”

Julian’s voice was delighted at that. "Maybe he's dumb like me, then!"

Garak shook his head, moving his hands to brush over a few of Kukalaka’s other stitches, these ones neat and perfectly in line. “Well, i would say he’s very much like you, and that neither of you are at all dumb.”

Julian woke up at that, opening his eyes and gasping, expression frantic. He stood up suddenly and almost lost balance in the process. "Please, I can't take this any longer."

“All right, all right. You’re here with us. It’s all right.” Garak took his hand and squeezed it, helping him sit again.

Julian racked his hands through his hair nervously. "I don't know how this could happen. I don't... I'm not too fond of Jules' memories. The few that are not fuzzy, anyway."

“Your early memories cause you distress?” Ezri asked carefully, keeping her voice even as she moved a bit closer to him.

"I think it is obvious they do. I had managed to forget all about them, why would the symbiont make them resurface? I don’t want them." Julian grabbed his head with his hands, pulling at his hair a little.

“They’re your memories, Julian. They don’t just go away.” Ezri’s voice was sympathetic, even as she leaned back in her seat and her expression grew troubled. “The Symbiont might have reacted to some level of disassociation in you. The other memories and constructed personalities would want to understand you and seek out all the different aspects of you.”

"I wish the others didn't have an interest in my early life. I am not Jules anymore."

“Julian, Of course you are. Our childhoods shape the people we become, even if we are not fond of them.” Ezri looked at him with sad eyes.

"My childhood belongs to another child. I was not Julian until I was 6."

“What does that mean?” Ezri asked softly, though she has suspicions now. Something happened to Julian as a child. Something bad. “You know anything said in here falls under doctor patient confidentiality.”

"Oh, come on, you've been on this station long enough to hear the rumors."

“You were augmented as a child, is what I heard.” Ezri said, half a question and half a statement.

"That everybody knows." His laugh was sardonic, gaze almost amused for a second, only to look despairing afterwards. "I stopped being Jules. That child changed so much I was not him anymore. His life for mine, and neither had a choice in the matter."

Ezri shook her head, expression changing in a way Julian didn’t quite understand. “I don’t think that’s true. If it was, I don’t think your memory would still be intact. Jules is you.”

"I barely have memories from before I was 6, so I don't think your theory stands."

“Most people don’t. But you seem to have more than you think, going by the hypnosis.” Ezri’s voice was even as she reached a hand out toward him, only for Julian to take a step back. His gaze was a mix of fear and just a touch of disbelief that still lingered in the corners. 

"Those are not the memories of Julian Bashir. Thank you anyway, now I know what happened. Garak, want to come with me? I need a drink."

“Of course, my dear.” Garak answered, catching Ezri’s eye when Julian’s back was turned. This wasn’t over by a long shot.

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Our take on Richard Bashir is influenced by the play Siddig and Andy Robinson wrote together, where it’s mentioned in Julian’s flashbacks. Also it's pretty obvious considering how much he hates his augmentation there must be a good amount of trauma.
> 
> Comments are love, and fuel us to write faster (?)


	6. Want

Julian sat at Quark’s bar and ordered an ale. He drank it all without stopping to breathe and asked for another one.

“Perhaps you should take it with more ease, dear.”

Julian shook his head, shifting back and forth on his chair a few times. Then he went painfully still, turning his gaze studiously away from Garak. “I’m fine, Garak. Another one, Quark.”

He drank that one nearly as quickly, staring over at the dart board every so often and then back to his glass, gaze tight. When Julian tried to ask a third, Garak shot the small ferengi a look that made him consider whether it was worth risking his life over a beer and made him find a place to hide. 

Julian sighed, hiding his face in his hands. His voice came out in a slight rasp. “This doesn’t make any sense, Elim. How would - Jules died.”

"Jules is you, Julian. Perhaps you locked his personality in your mind."

Julian scoffed at that, digging the heel of one hand into his forehead. “He’s clearly not me. I’m not a five year old child.”

"But in your mind, you stopped being Jules when you turned 6." Garak kept his voice even, one hand brushing against Julian’s back hesitantly. He didn’t know where they stood anymore, not truly. 

"I don't... I really would have preferred if you didn't learn that bit about my childhood, to be honest." He’d told him a little after his secret came out, but still, there were many things about his early years Garak didn’t know about. He had no idea Julian had been hurt, for starters.

“I’m sure you would, dear. But now I do and I don’t feel any differently.” Garak’s voice bordered on the sincere for once, his free hand coming to brush along Julian’s jaw. 

Julian rolled his eyes but didn’t pull away, and Garak decided to take that as a victory.  "It's not about how you feel. I don't want to talk about my childhood. It's enough to know I had to live through it."

“All right, we don’t have to talk about it. But we might need to figure out what’s going on with Jules.”

“Maybe he’s a ghost trapped in my mind. Or maybe the symbiont picked his memories and personality and reconstructed him." Julian sighed at the idea, closing his eyes tightly and making a small sound of frustration. “ I don’t want to talk anymore, can we go to the holosuite? I'd like to be around plants. Or maybe Meolia wants to. I don’t know what I want and what they do anymore."

Garak smiled tightly at that, knowing it reached nowhere near his eyes. He held his arm out for Julian, voice clipped. “Either way, that sounds like a good break.”

 

Julian walked silently between the flowers Garak had laid out, and asked the program to give him a small crop and gardening tools. He worked for some minutes with Garak, planting flowers in a small spiral pattern. He finally got up and admired his work.

He smiled a bit sadly, gaze flicking between the flowers and Garak. "I now have a sense of aesthetics. What do you think of that, Elim?"

Garak’s gaze stayed glued to the blossoms in front of them. He brushed a hand along one of the petals, lips thin. “I’m not sure. I sort of like the fact that you don’t.”

"Good for you, since my research still shows that I won't be able to hold the symbiont for too long."

Garak raised an eye ridge at that. "Still?"

Julian gave him a shy smile, not sure about if it was a good idea to say this or not. Not that it ever stopped Julian from saying something before. "Well, I'm growing rather fond of them."

“Have you, now?” Garak’s voice was far too pleasant to be anything but unhappy at the idea. Julian stood firm, crossing his arms against his chest. 

“Yes, I finally understand people. I don’t misread social cues as much and I’m so empathetic.”

"But you are less you now." 

"I am a better me. Jadzia didn't stop being herself when she got Dax." Garak raised an eye ridge at that, but just resisted the urge to point out that Julian had no way of knowing if that were true. Better not to lose what allies he had here. 

“She was trained for that. You’re not.”

"I’m smart enough to figure it out by myself. And they’re all helping me. They gave me all sorts of advice to keep from panicking before going through hypnosis, and even now they are helping me cope with what just happened."

“Are they helping you, dear? Or are you just letting them take over different parts of you?” He gave a pointed look to the gardening tools still in Julian’s hands and the dirt beneath his fingernails. 

Julian gave him a bright smile, one far too real to give Garak any comfort. "They are giving me new ways of seeing the world. They are not possessing me or something like that, you know. It's a mutually beneficial relationship."

“So you think.” 

Garak didn’t want to fight with Julian again, but this change of mind right after finding Jules’ memories was too sudden. He suspected it was Julian’s way of coping with the fact that all his repressed memories were resurfacing. But drowning them with older, external ones certainly didn’t look like a healthy way of doing so. Especially if they could and likely would  _ kill _ him.

"You still don't approve."

“I ... no, I don’t. I don’t think a human is meant to be in a relationship like that, especially a non trained one.” 

Julian’s eyes flashed with rage, grip tightening around his tools. His voice was clipped and just a touch superior when he spoke, and at least that was familiar. "Not joining would have meant death for Kelos!"

Garak met his gaze carefully, one hand pressing against his shoulder lightly. He needed to tread carefully. “Yes. That doesn’t mean it won’t be a good thing when Kelos is in a Trill and not in you.”

"And what if I'd rather be Julian Kelos than Julian Bashir?"

Garak swallowed tightly, closing his eyes for a few minutes. He didn’t want to hurt him, but was it better to hurt him now or in the long term? Being honest was always so perplexing. A nice lie was always something easy to measure the impact of. “I didn’t fall in love with Julian Kelos.”

"Julian Kelos has more in common with you. You both love plants and both know how it is to be an agent. Julian Bashir... he's just a doctor who didn't even exist until he was 6 and now apparently has a dissociation with his younger self. Why would you prefer him?"

Garak took the tools out of his hands and deposited them softly on the floor, taking his hands. “I liked our differences. I liked that he didn’t understand what it was like to be an agent. I liked that Julian cared and was stubborn and unflinchingly himself even when it might have annoyed some people.”

"I still care and am stubborn. But... it's nice being able to understand people." Julian looked down, to their intertwined fingers. his voice was weak this time. "And... if Jules is inside, I don't want to face him alone. I can’t."

“Yes, you can. You’re much stronger than you think you are. You can’t use Kelos as a wall between yourself and the past.” Garak squeezes his hands reassuringly, pulling him a bit closer to him. He knew Julian was strong enough to face his own past. After all, he had faced Garak’s and only come out stronger. 

"I didn't even know I had a past buried until a couple hours ago. How do you expect me to face it alone?"

“You wouldn’t be alone. I would be there. All of your friends would, too.”

Julian pulled away from him then, body rigid and breathing a little more harshly than before. He was moving faster than he should have been able to, apparently not caring for once as he crossed the small space of the holosuite. "I'd be alone in my head. You heard Jules. I... I don't really want to go back to those years. With Kelos I finally feel I'm not dumb and may be enough. They love me, all the hosts. I feel it. I don't want to lose that."

Garak didn’t know what to say or do at that moment. He wanted the Julian he fell in love with, but he couldn’t take this away from him if it was his choice. Garak closed his eyes and then opened them, gaze bittersweet. “And I want you to be happy.”

Julian swallowed a little, ragged breath starting to even put a bit. "I can... I can stop talking about them if that makes you feel bad. I... I guess I'm not used to feeling all right with myself, I don't want to lose that."

Garak smiled tightly and flexed his hands a few times. “I think it might be important to learn to feel good about yourself without a Symbiont.”

"You heard Jules talk. I think it's a bit late for that pep talk." Julian snapped at him, turning away to glance down at one of the flowers they had been growing together. Suddenly it didn’t seem so lovely to Garak anymore. 

“I don’t think it’s ever too late.”

"I didn't have to kill anybody to become Kelos." His voice was almost a whisper. Garak brushed a hand along Julian’s cheek, tilting his head toward him. 

“You didn’t kill anyone at all, my dear.”

Julian lets out a shuddering breath, closing his eyes tightly. "What about Jules? If he's inside my head, certainly he never grew to be older than 6."

Garak waited until Julian opened his eyes again before speaking, voice firm and decided. “Which would make him 6, not dead. And that would still be your parents crime, not yours.”

Julian shook a little, leaning into the hand on his cheek. The righteousness and defensiveness in his eyes were gone, replaced with terror. "What if... all the others go away when the symbiont is removed but not Jules? I don't think I could manage to do it by myself. He's too scared, I don’t want to face him." he shook his head. "I thought I had removed all those feelings. It took me years to get it under control."

“So this isn’t the first time Jules has come to the surface?”

Julian let out a defeated sigh, shaking his head. "I had nightmares for years, Elim. I woke up screaming until my first years on the Academy. At least my father was a bit less abusive once I was able to recite pi to the 100th decimal. Mother instead cried all my life."

Garak took a deep breath, not surprised by anything Julian was saying. He knew more about compartmentalization than most, and God knew he wouldn’t have loved Julian if they hadn’t been a match. “I see. So these feelings and fears, they weren’t always so locked inside of you.”

"No, eventually I came to terms with the fact that I was an accessory to murder." He distractedly picked a flower, hands brushing along the inside of the slightly fuzzy lilac petals. "You know, Meolia would have loved this one. It's her favorite color."

“I’d imagine that’s part of why that Jules is still there. You never really let him go.” Garak sighed a little and walked toward the other side of the flowers. He looked at one Julian had chosen before the Symbiont, a garish bright orange and yellow affair. “How lovely.”

"Elim, I don't want to lose myself. But don't you think I could improve? I have 150 years of experiences here. Meolia was a mother, she can understand Jules better than I ever could."

Garak bit back a snort, wondering what he was meant to say when Julian’s mind was so clearly made up. He decided on honesty. “I don’t think that would improve you. And you know Jules better than Meolia. You  _ are  _ Jules.”

"My brain is not the same. After the treatment I changed. That's why I can't use the name Jules anymore. He's a ghost of who I was.” Julian’s voice was hollow as he spoke, gaze dropping to the flowers again as though to hide the way it was clouding with tears. 

Garak reached a hand out toward Julian again, gaze softer this time. “Or maybe the treatment just changed Jules.”

"Think whatever you want.”Julian groaned as he let go of the petals, slumping in defeat. “I don't want to keep talking. I'm tired."

“All right.” Garak kept his voice short as he walked toward the other side of the garden again, hands running along the edges of flowers.

Julian gave him a stiff smile, trying to create some sense of normalcy. "Tomorrow I have an early shift. Maybe we should go have dinner."

“I’m not very hungry, dear. Why don’t you go with Miles or Jadzia and I’ll see you in the morning?” Garak’s voice was distant, gaze cool and almost appraising as he kept one eye on the flowers and one on Julian. 

Julian gulped, not quite knowing what that look meant but knowing he didn’t like it. "Yes, of course, sure, I... I'll see if any of them can."

Garak smiled as pleasantly as he could before he walked away, leaving Julian and Kelos alone. 

 

Julian was quite worried. He was sure Garak was thinking about leaving him, but he didn't want to part with Kelos either. Julian ran a hand over his face, just barely resisting the urge to start wandering the promenade like some sad Victorian waif. 

Julian decided he needed to talk to someone who might be able to understand, and none of his human friends would be that person. That’s how he found himself sitting on Jadzia’s couch with his head in his hands, Worf having wisely made himself scarce. 

"What would you do, Jadzia?"

"For starters, you won't be able to hold the symbiont, Julian." Jadzia’s voice was patient and firm, smile almost gentle. He wondered if this was the first time she’d had to advise someone who couldn’t keep their Symbiont, either because it was rejected or because Trill seemed them unfit. 

“But what if I am? Let’s think in hypotheticals. What if I found the way of keeping Kelos? Think of the amazing experience it’d be for them, being human.”

Jadzia shook her head, swallowing several curse words. Julian wasn’t wrong —this was an amazing opportunity for the Symbiont too— but Julian needed to understand the reality of the situation. “You won’t. And even if you were, why throw away everything you have?”

Julian shrugged his shoulders, glancing up at her almost shyly. She felt like that was more Anzri than him. "I like being joined."

“Why?”

Julian thought about that. Yes, why did he want to keep the symbiont? "They are all so nice. I feel... I feel I am better with them."

Jadzia frowned, tilting her head to the right. “Better how?”

"Smarter. Kinder. Socially aware." Julian listed these qualities off with a wide smile, something like relief blossoming in his eyes. Jadzia pressed her hands against her temples, gaze harrowing. This is what she had been afraid of happening. 

“I don’t think the first two apply. The Symbiont isn’t meant to be used as a self-esteem boost, Julian. That’s part of why we go through so much training, to get a sense of self before we bond. We need to be psychologically stable before receiving them, since we are trusted with giving them new memories.”

"But the symbiont is completing the parts I lack." Julian snapped, not able to hide the hurt in his gaze at Jadzia’s words. 

“That’s not how it’s supposed to work.”

"And yet it is. You will side with Garak on this?" Julian was starting to regret calling her. Everybody judged him as if he was making a profit off of the symbiont or something. And yet he had just gotten his brain scrambled and all his childhood memories back. He was the one suffering.

Jadzia reached a hand out, resting hers over his. The time her gaze was pained, and suddenly Julian remembered she was much older than him even now. “I do, because I’m worried about you. The Symbiont will eventually kill you. You know that. Please don’t make me lose two friends at once.”

"And what if I found a way of stabilizing him? Trill is still not answering, is it?" Julian knew he sounded desperate at this point, but he couldn’t help it. 

“No, but there are Trills not on Trill who can get here.”

"Why haven't any of them arrived, then? We both know you haven't succeeded in contacting any trained Trill yet, so don’t try to sell it to me that you have a solution for this." Julian snapped as he pulled his hand away, voice rising with each word. His entire body had gone straight, gaze on edge. 

Jadzia frowned, her eyes widening with shock and then understanding. Julian may had always been a bit brash, but he was never aggressive towards her. This wasn’t him.  “Which one of them is this? Delon?”

Julian was taken aback at that and blinked a few times owlishly. "I... yes, I think it was. I’m sorry, Jadzia, I seem to get into trouble every time he gets to the surface. But they wouldn’t be disappointed if they ended up joined with me. I think it may be worth trying."

“I... maybe.” Jadzia felt torn, closing her eyes so she wouldn’t have to face another argument or pleading look. She didn’t think this would work but ... if it was what they all wanted, should she really stop it? But … was it what Julian wanted really? This was all too difficult. "At least Kira we can be sure doesn't want to be still joined."

Julian smiled at that, gaze growing amused as he patted Jadzia on the shoulder. “Yes, she won’t. Why don’t we go check on her?”

 

They found her in the bar, playing Dabo energetically. A very scared Quark was not daring refuse any drink she asked for, while Odo listened with all the patience of the world. Quark thought mournfully that the only nice symbiont was Dax, and having Kira paying for his drinks was not enough for the mess she was making. Julian and Jadzia smiled at each other knowingly when they overheard the conversation between the three of them.

"...I swear, being pregnant was weird, but this beats it, Odo. I  _ feel  _ Tiar inside my belly and my brain. Dabo! Start paying up, all of you!” She collected her winnings with a wide grin, eyes sparkling as she looked over at Odo. “You know how confusing is that? I don't know what thoughts are mine anymore! I have no idea who the one who wants to play is."

Odo nodded seriously, trying to suppress the feeling of relief at having her understand a bit better how being someone else along with yourself felt. “I can imagine. That sounds like when I touch the other founders’ hands and join the link, if not quite the same. My essence gets intertwined with them.”

Kira shook her head, pressing one hand against the Dabo table as a wave of dizziness overcame her. "But you want to do it, Odo. I just want to be Kira again. I..."

And then she suddenly felt sick, falling over the dabo table and spilling all the latinum with a groan. Julian ran to her side, grabbing a tricorder from his pocket. She grabbed her head and moaned, Odo holding her back to try and keep her stable. 

All her vitals were off the chart. The symbiont was being rejected. 


	7. Acceptance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Julian decides to confront Jules, with the help of Ezri and the hosts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dedicated to Freckfrackles, who will hate us for the cliffhanger at the end 😇

Julian looked at Nerys' vitals, frowning. He was not sure how much more she'd be able to hold the symbiont. His were... worrisome, to say the least, but he hoped he'd be able to get bonded before it became dangerous. And then, Jake Mar was smiling in the other room, fresh and completely free of symptoms. If he could somehow find out why he was so different...

Julian sighed as he leaned her back against the bed. He gave her a tight smile, gaze warm and concerned in a way he was sure Kira would find annoying. ”How are you feeling, Nerys?”

"Like a targ danced on my head, why?", she groaned. She was barely able to keep her eyes open.

“Your body appears to have started the process of rejecting the Symbiont. Luckily Jadzia has had some luck with contacting nearby trills, so we should be able to save both of you.”

She nodded and laid down again, trying to sleep, so he discreetly left her and went where Jake was waiting with Sisko. 

Julian gave them a forced smile as he started reading the young man’s vitals. He glanced up at Jake thoughtfully. “How are you?”

"I feel better than ever, and I can't stop writing. There's so much in my head!" Certainly the tricorder proved he was saying the truth, showing no signs of distress ... yet, Julian thought bitterly.

“Yes, you appear quite healthy. Depending on when the trills arrive, we might be able to remove the Symbiont before you show any symptoms.”

"Why not let me keep them?" The young man looked hopeful and Julian felt a pang of jealousy at that. Why was Jake so healthy when he was fighting to find a way to keep his own symbiont?

The doctor swallowed down his jealousy, tone as neutral as he could make it. “That isn’t a decision for me to make. That’s up to you and the Trill council.”

"Of course." Sisko nodded, grabbing Jake's shoulder softly. Whatever happened, he'd be at his son's side, and Julian felt the pain again. His parents had changed him, Garak was uncomfortable with the symbiont... he was more and less lonely than ever.

“Good, good. Well, if you’ll excuse me, I want to check on Nerys one more time before lunch.”

"Of course, doctor. Whatever you need just ask. The old man says probably the trills will arrive in a couple of days."

“That’s good to hear, since that may be all Kira has.” Julian crosses the room to find Kira asleep, skin clammy and with a tinge of grey he didn’t like at all.

He sighed. He was still feeling mostly fine, and hoped he'd be able to bond before getting to that state, but then, what would he lose? Was he ready to give up Garak in exchange of Kelos? He looked at the tricorder readings without really registering them.

"Doctor, you seem tired, why don't you go rest? I'll look over her." One of the nurses softly suggested.

He put the tricorder down, resigned. “Yes, thank you. I have an appointment later today with Counselor Tigan. Let me know if there are any changes to her vitals.”

He walked to his room, feeling it empty without Garak. It was unusual for him to take rests during the day, so not finding him there was a bit disconcerting, even if not unexpected. And at the same time, he didn't feel alone, even if among all the voices in his head there was a young, annoying one trying to get him to pay attention. He tried to sleep, but it was a restless hour before he decided to give up.

Garak found him lying on the couch, staring at the ceiling with a blank expression on his face. He frowned at that, gaze narrowing as he took his hand. “Dear?”

He didn't turn his head, sighing at the feel of the cardassian sitting at his side. "What if I become bonded, Elim? whether I want it or not. The clock is ticking, you know. If I was a trill the process would be almost complete by now."

Garak swallowed tightly, closing his eyes as he let out a low huff. He knew this moment was coming. He just had hoped it could be put off longer. “I don’t know then, dear. You’re not trill and medicine is your expertise, not mine.”

"It may be my expertise, but this is uncharted territory. Jake is almost bonded, who knows what'll happen to me."

"Hopefully you'll survive it, if it comes to that." Garak kept his tone as neutral as possible as he slowly pulled his hand back. 

That gave Julian all the answers he needed. "I... I have a session with Ezri, so I may need to be going."

 

Ezri smiled softly when Julian walked in, wondering how to begin this session. Julian was an unusual patient in an even more unusual situation.

"I... You know I'm not a big fan of going to counseling. But the captain insisted and..." He trailed off, biting his lip as he stared down at her hands. Ezri smiled at him encouragingly, lying her hands on the table. 

“And so you’re here. I can’t say I blame him. This whole experience is complicated.”

"It has its ups and downs... But I like having Kelos, to be honest." He hurried while saying that last part. Would she be able to understand, being so adamant on not getting a symbiont herself?

“I can understand that. It must be comforting to have new people to relate to and bond with. And I know you’re curious, so having so much more knowledge must be exhilarating.” Ezri took a deep breath. they weren’t here about Kelos alone. “And Jules?” 

"Jules screams at me all the time." He grabbed his head. "I see him in my dreams, feel his fear, his wishes... I thought the hypnosis would help but if anything, he's even worse now."

"I see, and why do you think the memories of your childhood are becoming so strong now?"

"Not mine, his. He's not me, he's - he's a separate person."

"Julian, he's not a different person! He's always been you."

He shook his head, annoyed. Why wouldn't anyone understand? "He's not, Ezri! He's separate. He isn't - it's like - he's not me."

"Why isn't you? You didn't stop being at six, you merely changed."

“I didn’t just change, Ezri. Everything about Jules was changed. Nothing of the boy that was existed anymore.”

Ezri’s expression and voice were calm in a way julian found infuriating. "What about Kukalaka? Or how you jump at noises, or you food taste? Maybe little walking patterns you probably kept until your teens? None of those traits survived?"

“I didn’t keep any patterns!” Julian snapped as he crossed his arms, moving back into the chair a bit more. “And I’m sorry I didn’t think to throw away my teddy bear when I was six.”

"Julian, why didn't you, then? or when you were 15 and found the truth? there must be something about him you just don't want to accept, I think. And you know what they say about anger and accepting."

“I didn’t want to throw away the last piece of Jules that existed! I’m sorry if I was sentimental over the child whose death I caused.” Julian shook his head, hands shaking. “What do they say, Ezri?”

"Let's see. We have anger and denial already. I think next should be bargain." Her eyes were soft, even if her words pierced him. "And why do you insist it was your crime to bear?"

“If I’m grieving then you accept that Jules is dead.” Julian snapped in a heated voice. “And because no one else will!”

"For a dead boy, he sure is screaming a lot in your head. I'd say he's more alive than ever. And didn't your father go to prison for his crime?"

“Doesn’t mean he’s paying. I think you would know that as well as anyone, given your position here. He thinks it makes him heroic, not anything else.”

"You don't need to pay just because the others won't do it. You don't need to bear all the weight of the world on your shoulders."

He rocked slightly on his chair, opening and closing his hands. “It’s not the weight of the world, it’s the weight of one dead boy. Garak has far more lives on his shoulder.”

"Yet you don't seem to hold it against him as you hold Jules against you."

“It’s not my place to. Those are Garak’s lives to bear, not mine to judge him for.”

"That's just a way to justify your self hate, Julian, and you know that."

He covered his face with his hands, wishing he could find a way to block out Ezri’s voice. He was regretting going to the session. Had his medical license not been at stake, he would have probably stood up and left right at that moment. "No, it isn't. I don't hate myself. I hate that I have a ghost's memories."

"Want to tell me what those memories tell you? What do you remember, what does Jules think?"

"He was a sad, lonely child who didn't understand why his parents didn't love him. Then he was terrified and in pain, until he wasn't."

"Why was he in pain?" She made a gesture to stop him before he could answer. "I want Jules to tell me, can you make him talk?"

“I - I don’t know how.“ Julian looked apologetic, biting his lip.

"Ask him. Close your eyes, visualize him, kneel at his side and talk to him. Ask him about his feelings, his desires. Feel his presence, Julian. Remember how he looked like and call him."

He followed as she instructed him to relax and felt drifting into the hypnotic state again, but this time, he was more in control.

He saw darkness all around, an empty room that seemed to stretch out forever. He's always imagined his inner mind would be something luxurious, such as the Hagha Sophia, or a place like that. Yet it was lonely, grey, even a bit damp. There were some soft patches of light in some places, but no forms were distinguishable.

“Jules? are you there?”

He felt more than saw him, cowering in a corner of his mind. "You don't like me." Then the kid suddenly appeared and stuck his tongue at him. Not quite the reaction Julian was expecting. “I don’t dislike you, Jules. I just feel quite guilty about your presence.”

"You're dumb. Dumber than me."

“And why exactly am I dumb, Jules?” Julian tried to keep his voice even as he reminded himself he was talking to a child.

"Because you are!" Jules suddenly laughed. "Play hide and seek with me!"

“Maybe later, Jules. I’m supposed to ask you how you feel.”

The boy booed at him, shaking his head back and forth. "But I feel booooored. I want to play!"

Julian rolled his eyes but he imagined several pieces of paper and crayons. “Why don’t we color?”

"I don't want boring games. You don't run or do fun things with people anymore. It's all showing how... Brainy you're. Or playing what others want. It's boring!"

“We’re different people, Jules. I can’t help that I -“

“No!” Jules cried as he suddenly balled his hands into fists.

"No what? Jules, I stopped being you 25 years ago."

"Lies."

Julian swallowed tightly, wondering how to word this. He had never talked to a ghost of his own making before. “Jules, do you remember when your parents took you to Adigeon Prime?”

"Yes. But I was smarter, not... No me."

Julian had to repress his urge to scream at the boy. Why didn't anybody understand? “Yes, you weren’t you anymore. They turned you into me. You died there, Jules.”

"No, they say they did. I was always you. Now, can we play?" He stomped the floor, annoyed.

“Wait, so you ... but you stopped existing then.” Julian knelt down, creating several blocks as he did, that the little boy kicked away.

"No, I didn't!"

Julian gave him a frustrated look. Then an apologetic one. “So you’ve just been existing as a ghost in my mind?”

"Only because you wanted me to. I could be a part of you. Now, can we play tag? You used to love it. Play something fun."

“All right.” Julian’s voice was tight with confusion and a bit of fear, but he allowed himself to play. He wasn’t going to be mean to a child ghost after all.

"See? This is more like you!" The child laughed, evading Julian better than he thought an unaugmented child would.

Julian scoffed and ended up chasing him across the empty room that was his mind. He could catch him - he had longer legs - but he wanted to let Jules have his fun. He was surprisingly quick. “You were this fast?”

"Yes, have you forgotten that? But you are no fun! You treat me like I’m not as smart as you. You do that with eeeeeverybody. You really are dumb, Julian!"

“I don’t treat everyone like they’re less intelligent than me! I don’t do that to Garak, for one thing. And I remember - don’t you remember?”

“You don't remember me. You remember what dad told you about me. And you don't let Garak in. He's not in here."

The kid continued to evade him, and some small rays of light started to enter from the invisible ceiling.

Julian kept chasing him faster and faster, growing frustrated. He forgot to try to let him win, he only wanted to catch him, but it seemed impossible. Eventually he sat down on the ground, legs crossed. “So tell me about you, Jules.”

The kid's eyes shone at that, and he spoke fast, with an expression anybody would have recognized as Julian's when he talked about medicine. "I, I, I like animals, and colors, and playing. I'm not dumb like dad says, but my brain goes tooooo fast and gets confused. Remember? I see a dog and think of everything about that dog and why it is a dog and not a rabbit and what would happen if it had three legs and hopped instead of running and it's all too much. Daddy don't want to understand. Remember now? When our brain used to get full?"

Jules was standing closer now, but still out of Julian's reach. Another little ray of light burst into the space behind him.

Julian glanced at him and swallowed tightly. Yes, yes he remembered that now. How couldn’t he? “Yes, our - my brain still does that sometimes. It's part of why I end up rambling so much about medicine or tennis or - well, anything. Garak finds it cute but most people thinks my rambling is annoying.”

"See! I'm not dead!"

“What?” Julian asked in a suddenly hoarse voice.

"You're Jules."

“No — I’m ... but we’re so different.”

"Why? Because now you know how a dog is and try not to think what would happen if he had wheels instead of paws? Because you don't let people know you're Jules?"

"Well, yes. And because I'm different. I'm not -- I'm, well."

"Well what? Better?" The kid laughed and started to run again and then to circle him, singing. "Silly Julian, he's so wrong!"

Julian finally growled in frustration, shifting back and forth slightly. He felt as though he was losing it. "I'm not!"

"Yes you are! You are the same Jules!" He sat and started to rock too. "See?"

Julian swallowed a bit. “I usually only do that when I’m very stressed.”

“Only because you're old. You did this until you were 10."

“Yes, yes, my father used to get so mad at me, he hurt me when... I wasn’t supposed to do things like that anymore. Not after -“

"After he told you you were a better Jules. Yes, we know. Poor, poor boy. It was unfair and uncalled for." Meolia said as she walked at his side and hugged him from behind.

Julian looked around and all the hosts were there. Small cracks of light kept appearing in the empty room. Anzri took Jules hand. "You and the boy are the same, Julian."

Julian glanced at the boy and then to Anzri. “You really think so?”

"Julian, you're not even like the other augments. The treatment was a failure. You're you." Delon stood at his side, serious.

“I don’t think I could calculate numbers this well or have a eidetic memory if it failed.”

Lires snorted a little, as though amused. “Fine, it didn’t fail completely.”

"But you didn't change that much. You're still not like the other augments." Meolia was still hugging him, and it felt nice.

“No, no I’m not. They’re... it hurt them.” Julian shook his head in disgust. He still didn’t understand the desire to alter children on that level simply because they didn’t live up to your hopes for them.

"Why do you think it didn't hurt you, then?" Delon paced around him, eyes sharp but compassionate.

“I... because mine worked better. I had a good doctor. That’s what my father always said.”

"And you always believe what daddy says? He's a liar!" Jules huffed and made a bit of a rude gesture. Julian didn't remember even knowing what that gesture meant at that age!

“Of course, but - I was different when we left!”

"You were told you were different, and you were afraid of the pain. You acted as they told you you had to, as any child would have done. But all your difficulties, you solved them by yourself, Julian -no, Jules. There was no magic potion, despite what they said to your parents." Meolia's eyes were so sad Julian wanted to scream.

“I ... didn’t I — I couldn’t have learned those things before.” But Julian sounded much less sure as he slowly got closer to Jules, the two of them mirroring each other.

"Everybody said I was dumb and I acted dumb. I was not dumb, but all people said I was." Jules kicked the floor, frustrated. "I saw everything! Heard everything! It was lots, but I was not dumb."

“It was too much! You couldn’t understand. There was so much noise and lights and — and” Julian shook his head.

"And still are. Your head is always so full, my sweet. How can you live like that?" Julian felt a sharp pang of regret at Meolia's voice. If he had had someone like her as a mother...

“I just focus better now, or I, I hide, I suppose.” Julian leaned into her hug.

"You don't have to hide. You shouldn't have been forced to do so. Just look at Jules. Isn't he like you?"

“He is... he’s more like me than I remembered.” Julian admitted with a tight frown. Delon put a comforting hand on his shoulder.

"You didn't want to remember him, because they made you believe he was a failure, but is he? Look at him."

“I... he doesn’t seem like a failure. He seems... curious. Outgoing. A bit loud.”

"Don't you think your friends would describe you with the same words?" Lires said softly.

Jules meanwhile started to play with some cubes, making weird structures that fell, making him laugh.

“I... maybe. Probably a few more too.” Julian laughed, sharp and strange. “Sanctimonious and smug is what Garak and Miles both used when they were in mental distress.”

Jules made another tower that quickly collapsed.

"You had to defend yourself, that's why you became like that. Anything less than perfect was punished, wasn't it?" Delon was still soft, understanding.

“Yes, yes, always. They would make me show off and if I got tired and overwhelmed then - “ Julian cut himself off, leaning back into the hosts.

"They punished you. Me. Us. I know, Julian. You forgot. You hid yourself." Jules shook his head.

“I didn’t forget. I didn’t want to remember.”

"And you forgot me, too. It wasn't that bad being me, remember?"

“I... no, no it wasn’t. Not until they told me it was. We weren’t... Emilia thought cows were just big dogs.”

"And her mom said she was cute! We felt jealous, remember? We cried that day."

“I remember. Her mom didn’t yell at her for mixing them up. And then dad saw that I’d mixed up a tree and a house — but I hadn’t. Not really.”

Jules leaned forward, again with his eyes gleaming. "It was a tree house! Or a house tree. For fairies, remember!"

“Yes, yes, they built their homes inside the bark, so the tree and the house were the same. Father got quite upset, but we read it in our school book.”

"Yes, remember? About fae and small people. We loved the changeling! We wanted to be one and grow with fairies!" Jules was now almost touching Julian.

Around them there was light now, and plants, weird trees with little sparks jumping from leaf to leaf, flowers that seemed to move without wind.

Julian leaned toward him without thinking. “Yes, yes, we wanted to go live in the tree and learn how to fly. We studied that for hours and hours.”

The kid danced around him, twirling and extending his arms as he turned around. "And dance in magic circles! Be so small we could fit in a flower, remember? So nobody can shout at us!"

Jules extended his hand to Julian, and the little sparks danced around them.

Julian took his hand, finally smiling. “Yes, yes, we did.”

"But people still shout at us." Jules sank into his arms.

“Some of them do, but Garak doesn’t and neither does Jadzia. And Miles stopped.” Julian gave himself a comforting hug.

"But would they accept me? If they knew daddy failed with his experiment and you always were me?"

“I... I don’t know.” Julian admitted as he hugged him closer, a shiver running through him. “we’d have to tell them.”

The kid gave him a defiant look. "Garak will like me. He knows you and knows I'm you."

“I ... yes. I think you’re right.”

"Kelos will still help us talk, Julian. Want to say this to Ezri? I like her."

“Yes, yes, I think we should.” Julian slowly opened his eyes.

"Julian, how do you feel?" She looked at him, curious. At first she'd been scared when he stopped talking but soon understood he was just digging deep, deeper than before. What had been just a couple minutes for her could have been hours inside his head, with his unusual thinking patterns.

“Strange. Confused, but also less so. I saw Jules. Things were different this time.”

"How so?"

“We talked to each other. Played. He wasn’t - he wasn’t what I anticipated. He and Kelos helped me remember things I’d tried to forget.”

"But you don't seem to be unhappy now, so I guess reuniting with Jules was an interesting experience?"

He shook his head softly. “Yes, yes. I think ... I think the treatment failed. Well, not entirely. But I don’t think it did what my father wanted.”

"How so? Didn't it change you?"

“In a sense, yes. It certainly made me capable of learning and understanding things at a much higher rate than humans, improved my reflexes, and gave me a perfect memory.” Julian listed off with a touch of pride. Then he swallowed a bit. “‘But the ways that Jules different, that made his parents think they needed to change him... those things didn’t change.”

"Why did you lock Jules away, then?"

“Because I thought those things should be gone. I thought I was supposed to be well. Better.”

"And now?"

He considered the question. Now, what? What was in store for his future now that he had finally accepted that he was still Jules? It was frightening just to think of it.

“I’m not sure. I’m still worried about being rejected but... Kelos didn’t reject me. Neither has Garak.”

"And I wouldn't reject you if you stopped pretending, Julian. I think we all want to know who you really are." She took his hand and squeezed it so softly. "But I think you can do it by yourself, without the help of Kelos. We can help you."

Julian stiffened, eyes wide. “I can’t. It wasn’t me who accepted me first. It was Kelos. All of them. Even Delon. They all came and talked to me and hugged me. I would had run. I just can't do it on my own, Ezri.”

"Yes, you can. Kelos helped you but now you have to move on. You know you risk dying "

“I can’t. I need them. They’re a part of this. They know me — know Jules — better than I do."

"Getting to know Jules is your responsibility, not the Symbiont's."

“I know that! But they want to get to know him too.” Julian snapped, pulling his hand back.

She sighed. She knew Julian enough already to know he was not an easy person to convince to do anything. But he was someone with whom she could bargain. "Very well, but I want to monitor your vitals before each session. As long as they hold, you can keep Kelos. Do we have a deal?"

“We have a deal.” Julian agreed, voice slightly on edge. Was he just using Kelos to not have to face himself alone? He loved them all but... would he want to keep them if had known he was Jules all along?

He got up and felt dizzy, having to secure himself with a wall. Ezri looked at him worried. "Julian! Are you ok?"

“I’m fine, Ezri. I just got up a little too fast. I’m still a bit confused from being in my own head.”

"I'm sure you are." She didn't sound too convinced. "Go rest and check on Nerys. Tell her I'm waiting for her if she's able to come, or I can go visit her either as a friend or as a doctor."

“Of course. Thank you, Ezri.” Julian walked out, balance restored. It could have just been a fluke.

He felt a bit nauseous, but probably it was just because of the effort.

 

He entered the infirmary and found Nery really nauseous and sick, her vitals all over the place, but they all knew who'd get the symbiont if she couldn't hold it. She smiled when he went through the door, putting her bravest face. She was not ready to change Ezri’s life forever.

“Nerys, the situation is less than ideal.” Julian frowned tightly as he checked over her vital signs again. A few days were the most both she and the Symbiont had. “We can keep the symbiote in you only for a bit more of time. If we can’t find a trill to come to Deep Space 9 by then... I’m afraid we don’t have any other choice.”

"Then work harder to keep it inside me. I can take it, doctor." She said through gritted teeth. She'd fight this as she had fought anything else in her life.

“All right. I’ll do my best. But even you have your limits, Nerys.”

"I know, but you don't, do you? You're a genius, find a way to solve it. I won't ruin Ezri's life." There was a sharp note in her words, as she fought the nausea.

Julian shook his head. “A genius, not a god. But I’ll do my best. I have no interest in ruining anyone’s life.”

He felt his head hurt again and his stomach turned. He tried to keep it down as he smiled at her, trying to convince himself it was only the stress. “I’ll start researching right away.”

Jadzia entered just in time to see him finally have to run to the bathroom. "Julian!"

He looked up from where he was dry heaving. He swallowed tightly, wondering if she had guessed what was happening. Why wonder, of course she must had realized it by now. “I think I ate something bad.”

"Somehow I don't believe that’s quite true." She ran a hand through his back as he kept gasping for air, until he collapsed on her.

“Jadzia .. I don’t want to lose Kelos. Not now that I’ve finally.... I met myself.”

"Kelos will be the death of you and we both know it."

“I need them!” Julian yelled as he gripped his hair, pulling in it too strongly with his shaky hands and barely registering the pain.

"Julian! the symbiont is not something you get to help you navigate your everyday life! he's not a therapeutic treatment, and you knew since the first moment you'd have to give Kelos away."

“No! It’s not just that. We are bonded. We’re - they love me.”

"You are not bonded, you can't bond... Julian, let me run some tests on you, I beg you."

“I — fine. Run the tests.” Julian gasped. Then he threw up again, light sweat spreading across his forehead

Jadzia frowned while reading, getting pale. Her expression was more scared than he'd ever seen her before. "Julian, you're dying. There's no other way to describe this."

“I’m not dying! I feel fine!” Julian cried as he tried to pull himself to his feet and failed.

"Your heart rate is so fast your heart could fly on its own, your blood pressure is way below the bare minimum and your white cells are as elevated as if you had a septicemia. You're not fine."

“I... I can’t let Kelos go. I need them. You don’t understand. They’re the only reason... I don’t hate myself.” He felt his stomach turn again.

"Julian, the symbiosis committee sent three trills already. They will be here in 48 hours."

“I... but... Kelos is me.”

"No, Julian. You're part of Kelos already, but it doesn't work the other way around."

“That’s not fair!”

"We are not supposed to benefit from the Symbiont besides its wisdom and knowledge. Our duty is to help them grow, not to use them for our own benefit."

He sat on the floor, grabbing his head and noticing his hair and clothes were soaked. “But - why not? Why can’t you help each other grow?”

"In your case, because you're not compatible, Julian. I'd rather help you deal with the loss of the symbiont than cry over your death, and I think Garak will feel the same."

“And what about What I feel? I don’t want - I don’t want to be Julian Bashir again.”

"You'd rather die than be you again? Because that is what is going to happen. Even non compatible trills die."

“I ... yes — no. I don’t want to be alone again!” Julian cried as he pressed his face in his hands.

She tried to hug him but he recoiled, trembling. "Julian, you're not alone."

“Of course I’d be alone! You’re not in my head, Jadzia! Neither is Garak!”

"Such is the human nature, Julian. You're not meant to hold a symbiont."

“Like you could actually understand how I feel.”

"This is not about feelings, it's your health. Take a look at the results."

“I saw the results, Jadzia. I know what they’re saying. And I’m going to fix them.”

"You have less than 48 hours. Once the trills arrive, you'll have to give the Symbiont."

“I can figure it out by then.” Julian said with a confidence he didn’t feel. “They want to stay with me too, you know.”

"Not until the point of killing you. No Symbiont wants a death. Go rest, you need it. I'll stay with Nerys."

And Julian huffed and stormed back to his quarters with shaky feet, lying on the couch and typing up research on his padd.

When Garak entered, Julian was fast asleep, sweat in his forehead and skin burning. All the notes in the padd were unintelligible gibberish.

He gently picked up the padd from his chest, brushing a hand over his forehead. “My dear, you should have called.”

"I'm fine." Julian muttered and turned, not quite waking up.

“Yes, you’re the picture of health.”

"Shut up, your voice makes my head hurt." He turned again, breathing heavily.

“What a kind lover I chose.” Garak grabbed Julian’s own medical tricorder and ran it over him.

"Stop bipping me." He said weakly.

“No, I don’t think I will.”

"It's annoying. Let me sleep."

Garak looked at the results and touched Julian's commbadge. "Emergency transport to sickbay."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments are love!


	8. Decision

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Julian keeps getting sick, while Garak and Jake have to make decisions about the Symbionts in the station.

When Garak showed up at her office, Ezri couldn’t help being a bit surprised. She didn’t think Cardassia was big on therapy, and Garak in particular didn’t seem like the kind of person that would be willing to have someone examine his thoughts too deeply.

"How can I help you, Garak? I heard Julian is in observation but not in immediate danger."

“Yes, that would be right, though even getting him into observation was difficult.” Garak’s voice was ragged as he sat down across from Ezri. 24 hours ago, when Garak had asked for an emergency beam, the doctor had thrashed and complained even though his temperature and vitals were all over the place.

"I imagine. He's the worst patient in the whole station, even worse than you." She smiled sympathetically and prepared tea for him without asking. He looked like someone who had not slept or eaten anything in a long time.

Garak gave her a grateful smile as he relaxed a bit into the chair. “Yes, he always has been, and I fear this is worse than times past. He doesn’t want to give up the Symbiont.”

"He doesn't have any choice. Honestly, just waiting for the arrival of the other trills is a risk I'm not sure we can take. But he... He is scared, Garak. I'm afraid the memories he recovered are too traumatic to process them in such a short time."

“I’m sure, but it’d be better to have him be alive to process them eventually than dead.”

"And how are you with all this? What if he managed to keep the Symbiont? You were pretty shocked at first.”

Garak drank his tea, pensive. She had not lost any time going in circles, attacking instead what was obviously bothering him. In another time, another circumstances, she could have been a great interrogator. “I was. Now that I’ve had time to adjust to the idea...” Garak trailed off, looking almost guilty. “I don’t love Kelos.”

"And the part of Kelos that is still Julian?"

“I love Julian but... I don’t want to be in a relationship with Kelos.”

"And you fear he'd choose the symbiont over you?"

“Yes. Kelos can help him to love himself. Apparently I can’t.” Garak’s voice had a note of bitterness to it, gaze haunted as he looked past her. 

Ezri shook her head, biting her lip as she pressed her hands together. She knew she had to tread carefully here. "Loving oneself is the hardest thing, Garak. You of all people should understand that. It's not that Kelos are better than you, it's that they're in his head. He's terrified of his memories. Has he told you the things he remembered?"

“No, he got sick shortly after your meeting. He’s spent most of his time asleep, writing things that didn’t make any sense, or with his nose in a book.”

She’d gone to visit him, so nothing Garak was telling her was surprising. He was showing obvious signs of rejection in his body and of trauma in his mind.

"He'll need help after we remove the symbiont, that much is clear. His past is... He will tell you himself, if he wants. But he needs us to be at his side."

“Of course. I want to be by his side but... if he finds a way to keep the Symbiont... I can’t be there as a lover.”

"And that is fair, too. He has to be conscious of what the consequences of his actions are. Choosing to help him is kind, but choosing not to stay at his side if you don’t want is also fair. But you should talk to him too, once he’s better."

“I know, I’ve tried but... I didn’t want to hurt him further.”

"Wait until the trills arrive. Whatever the case, I don't think Julian will be able to hold onto Kelos. The only one that's thriving is Jake and I don't think even he will manage it. He’s starting to show early signs of rejection."

“He has youth on his side.” He felt guilt and relief at the same time at the thought that the decision would not be in his hands ultimately. And also he ached for the doctor, and feared what would be left of him when everything was over. “Julian might not want to deal with Jules anymore afterwards.”

"I don't think he'll be able to tuck him away this time."

“No? You think Jules will make himself known then?”

"I think Julian will need help to process what it means remembering him. But what about you? I'd like to talk a bit more about that.”

“What about me?” Garak smiled, sharp and nervous.

"Your feelings now, and what will you do if trauma changes him."

“I don’t know. I do love him. Julian. I’m just afraid that he’ll be different. I... I want to help him as much as I can. I know more than the others about Jules and the things he tries to hide. He shows me more. But... he still hides things.”

"He hides things even from himself. What was done to him... I think only now he's really remembering it as it was, and he's terrified."

Garak nodded at that. Julian was not aware of the nightmares he had, but Garak had heard enough things during those long nights to have a good idea of what had happened. “I have to imagine it’s not as nice as the memories he tried to construct for himself.”

"Deep down he justified his father and tried to bear all the blame, now... I think he'll have to reevaluate that, and that is never easy."

“Right. It’s hard to deny that his father wasn’t exactly a loving man.”

Ezri wondered just how much to tell him. Even if Julian had asked her to explain it all to Garak some hours before, she felt it was not her place to tell him. Not all of it, at least. That was a conversation for two of them. "His father... He tried to fix something that was not broken. With the return of his memories Julian is starting to realize so many things, he feels unloved. What the joined usually claim is that they feel loved, accompanied. Stronger. And he needs that desperately now."

Garak closed his eyes, not surprised but concerned. He didn’t like the sound of that. Were his suspicions right, then? “Of course. And you say tried. Would that imply those things didn’t actually change?”

"It seems the core never changed, which is why Julian tried to act as was expected from him, concealing aspects of his real personality. He was afraid of the pain, of being hurt or called a failure again."

“I see. So he’s tried to hide parts of who he is. That I already knew. But now the issue is that he fears rejection from all of us as well?”

She nodded softly, shaking her head a little as her body grew slightly tenser. "I think he does, yes. He's curious about Jules but so scared. He's terrified of being left alone, I don’t dare add a potential diagnosis that’d require him to reevaluate all his life. He'll have to be the one to come around to talk about it."

Garak swallowed tightly, gaze narrowing a bit. That could be some time. “Of course. He’s not a good liar, but he is good at lying to himself.”

"Sometimes certain truths about oneself are not easy to accept, Garak. Especially when your father was ready to kill you to correct them."

“Oh trust me, Counselor Tigan, I know all about that.” Garak smiled a bit bitterly.

She wondered about that, as it was the closest he'd ever come to telling her about his past. Maybe next time. This was not the moment to try to get him to talk and heal, not yet. "Yet you probably never had access to something like the Symbiont. You know there's a reason people get greedy about them. My planet is in the middle of a civil war because of them, as you know."

“I do, and I suppose that’s what’s happening with Julian. He wants the love and security they provide. He craves it. Is that why you didn’t want it? You didn’t want to rely on them?”

A Trill would have asked this with prejudice in their voice, an unspoken judgement tinting the question, maybe even a hint of disgust at her ego for not wanting to give her memories to the next generation. Garak, on the other hand, seemed genuinely interested in understanding her choices.

"I don't want my accomplishments and my personality being anything but my own, a product of my own experiences and effort. And I'm not uneasy with myself, so I don’t feel the need to enhance who I am with the mix of several dead Trill that came before me."

“I see. That perspective makes sense, I suppose. And no, for as uneasy as you seem with everything else, you don’t seem uneasy with that.”

Not for the first time, she wondered who was analyzing who. It seemed Garak always had a way to pierce through all her defenses. Just as he had with Julian apparently.

"But Julian is. Thinking Jules was dead was both a way of blaming himself and separating himself from the things his parents couldn’t accept. And now he knows neither is true. He lost his balance."

Garak gave her a piercing look, shaking his head in distaste. Ezri thought it wouldn’t be good for the Bashirs if they ever met Garak. “So he was able to see all those quirks and traits as someone else, even if he was the one acting them out?”

"Probably it was his form of self-defense. I'm not sure he'd have been able to survive otherwise. A child's mind is a delicate thing."

“Of course. He needed to believe he’d become what his father wanted to survive with him.”

"And now that is a protective armor between him and the world, an armor he spent over 25 years constructing. With it crumbling, he's clinging desperately to the Symbiont."

“That makes sense. He needs some way to protect himself from the rest of us.”

"From himself, mostly. For someone so confident on the outside, he’s very insecure about himself in other ways."

“Yes, I’ve noticed that. It took him months to relax even a little in front of me.”

"And it will take him months to recover from this once the Symbiont is out. You'll have to be your most patient, and you know my doors are always open if you need to talk."

“I’ll try my best. Do you think he’ll need medical leave? He hates taking it, you know.”

She had considered it too. More than once she had wanted to force Julian to relax, to take days off, but even then, she knew being idle would make his mind go to places he didn’t want it to go. "Usually I'd say yes, but considering the speed of his mind, maybe keeping himself occupied with work would do better, and then you could suggest to have some time off when he's better, doing something that could help him relax without having to just rest, like exploring something he wants to."

“That makes sense. It will be a careful balance. He’d love to do nothing more than bury himself in his research and pretend nothing’s happening.”

"And I'll send him right into medical leave if he does."

Garak liked her. She was soft and caring, but he had no doubt she'd enforce rest on Julian if she had to. He suspected she’d do the same for him without batting an eye. She’d had him kicking and screaming inside a runabout if she felt he needed that... and he’d have to thank her later. “Good, we’re on the same page then.” Garak swallowed tightly, ridges still as he met her gaze. “I feel... regret that I want him to lose the Symbiont. Not quite guilt but... I know it’s selfish.”

"You can't help not loving him, and I know full well how much people change when they receive one. I just hope you'll be able to love Julian once he accepts Jules as part of himself."

“I love the parts of Jules he’s let me see. I don’t think I’ll love what else I find there any less.” And with that Garak rose from his seat, politely nodding at Ezri before he walked out the door. She didn’t have any doubts about where he was going.  

 

Ezri heard another knock on her door and smiled when Jake entered. She hoped his case might be a bit less complex than the ones she had been dealing with lately. “Did your father send you?"

"He did, but I didn't mind coming either." Jake gave her a warm smile as he sat down across from her.

"And why is that?" He looked mature, glowing. She wondered if this was because he has decided to accept the bond. It'd be a first, but if the symbiont agreed, the symbiosis committee would have to accept.

"I've decided that I don't want to keep Mar. Having them with me has been an incredible experience, but... I miss being Jake Sisko too."

"And Mar agrees? Interesting how a whole planet is at war for a symbiont and yet you decided it is not for you." Her smile was warm, encouraging. The young man was probably making the right decision.

Jake laughed a little, shaking his head as he looked down at his hands. "Mar wants what's best for me and I want what's best for them. And as much as I like them, I also know I'm not exactly myself lately."

"Hard to be yourself when suddenly you get 140 years worth of memories, I imagine."

He nodded and smiled. He looked like his father, serene and resolute. Very little of the child he was showed now. “Definitely. And I want to become a writer with my own hard work and discipline.”

"Some trills would kill to have a head start with whatever career they choose. I admire your decision to become the best version of yourself on your own."

"I can imagine some of them do."

"But not you."

“No. I did think about it, but ... I’ve been under the control of an alien before and I don’t think it’s my thing. Even if they make me write better.” He grinned sheepishly.

"Fair enough. How are your vitals? You think you can hold the symbiont until the trills arrive? You won't join if you're against it, as I imagine que previous hosts have already told you."

Jake knew that behind the apparently innocent question were all kinds of fears. She was risking her very own self, and would take the Symbiont without hesitation if needed, so he wanted to be strong. Just for a bit longer. For her.

“They have and so far my vitals are all right. A few small signs of rejection, but nothing like Major Kira or Doctor Bashir.”

"So, eventually you'd had rejected them anyway? Or there was a real chance of joining?"

“I’m not sure. Doctor Bashir thought there could be a chance of joining if we did it now...”

"But you made a decision about it. So, why are you here, if you're so decided about what to do?"

He considered it, looking at his hands again. So much smaller than some of the ones he'd had before. No, these were the hands he'd always had. “I thought I could still talk to someone besides my dad about it, get my ideas in order. And I feel a little guilty. I know how badly other people wanted this and I’m just... rejecting it.”

"You have nothing to feel guilty about. You never asked for this, you only borrowed they to make sure they'd survive. You were selfless, and nobody was expecting you to join in the first place."

“I know, I know... but when I see Doctor Bashir’s face... I just wish it could have been him that could join. I’ll miss Mar but... they’re not me. I offered partly because I was curious, but now I realize he probably suffers thinking I had an advantage he lacks."

"Doctor Bashir will have to deal with the loss when he's healthier, and you will have to deal with it too once the Symbiont is removed, but you don't owe anything to anyone. This is purely a biological incompatibility, Jake."

“Of course. I understand that logically but ... it’s a complicated situation. And I’m curious about how much I’ll remember when Mar is gone.”

"Probably not a lot, only the memories you made together. But the next host will remember you, Jake. You will live on in the next one."

“I like that. The idea that I could help someone else someday. That someone will look at my childhood with fondness. That my dad will guide them.”

Yes, this definitely was and wasn't Jake. The love for his family and friends combined with the wisdom of a hundred years.

"Help, and also be a part of them. You will live forever in someone else."

“Yes, hopefully they don’t mind living with me.”

"I think they'll find you a delightful addition."

“I hope so.” Jake smiled brightly, a bit of his youth showing.

"Something else in your mind?"

“No, I just... thank you for helping us through this and not judging me. I know it must have been tough for you too.”

"It's been hard on everyone on this station." She knew what he was talking about. Her fear of getting a Symbiont had still not receded. If Julian or Nerys got worse, maybe the ship would not arrive in time.

“It has, but I think we’ll be okay. Humans are pretty sturdy and Kira is the strongest person I know. I'm just glad I can hold them a little longer, so they don't end up in you, Ezri. It wouldn't be fair."

“Thank you Jake, that means a lot to me. Hopefully the other trills will get here soon.”

He smiled and left. Ezri caught a glimpse of the captain, smiling and grabbing his son's shoulder when he walked out.

Yes, the next host would be fortunate.

 

Ezri entered the infirmary and went to check on Nerys. She was not even sure if she'd find her awake, but the Bajoran woman was sitting and with a very annoyed expression.

“You’re awake! How are you feeling?”

"Terrible." She looked pale and very thin, skin covered with a sheen of sweat. 

“I can imagine. The trills are 32 hours away now. A little over a day. Can you manage until then?”

"I will, don't worry." She inhaled deeply and gritted her teeth. "I won't be responsible for ruining your life, counselor, don't worry."

“All right, but if it comes down to it, I’m not letting you or Julian die.”

"I know, which is why I will hold."

What had she done to deserve such an amazing group of people? They were all defying death for her, and she felt her throat get tight. 

“All right. But I’m keeping an eye on you.”

"It seems everybody is." She looked down at the small bucket under her bed.

Ezri looked down and smiled softly at the bucket. “I promise we’ll take good care of her, Odo.”

Kira looked at them fondly. "I can't wait to have my mind all to myself again."

“I’m sure. Having all those other voices must be confusing.” Ezri shivered a little at the idea.

"They are good people, but... I don't like craving things I know Kira Nerys wouldn't crave. It's like losing myself."

“Right, that makes sense. We’ll have you back to being just you in no time.” Ezri smiled and hoped she could keep that promise.

 

On the other biobed, Julian huffed and insisted he needed a pad, not Jadzia beeping at him and Garak putting cold cloths over his face. He had research to do and they were interrupting it.

“Julian, you’re hardly in the right frame of mind to do research. You're burning up.” Jadzia pointed out as she watched him type hurriedly, sweat sliding down his brow and arms shaking slightly.

"That's why I need to do it. I need to research so I can feel better." His eyes were glassy and his skin grey, with a tint that suggested his liver was having a hard time coping.

“So you want to keep Kelos?” Garak asked in as neutral as voice as possible as he wiped more sweat from his brow.

“I... I don’t know." He gave him a defiant look. " I want the option.”

Jadzia looked at Garak over Julian as he covered his face and shook her head. He made a face back at her. He needed... she wouldn’t understand. She had no idea what Julian was going through, if even Garak could only suspect how deep the sorrow ran. 

"Dear, the nurse says you should rest. If you don't, she'll have to sedate you."

“I’m not playing tennis, Garak, I’m reading and typing.”

"Your mind is inside your body, as much as you don't want to accept that. And both need rest."

“I know that, but it’s not suffering at the moment. I'm still sharp.” Julian snapped heatedly as Jadzia read through his notes.

"Julian, please. Just... Just a little nap, yes?" She wondered how he'd feel when the Symbiont was removed and he had a chance to look at the mess he'd written.

“Fine, 20 minutes and then one of you  better wake me up.”

He fell asleep almost immediately, and Garak looked at Jadzia with worry. "How much more does he have?"

“He’ll survive until they get here, I hope. He hasn’t lost his ability to reason yet. Well, not entirely anyway. But I’m worried about how he’ll react when the doctors remove the Symbiont.”

"At this point I'd rather deal with Julian's anger than with his memorial, Jadzia. He hasn’t been this ill since Adigeon Prime from what he's told me."

“Me too. I’m just worried he’ll try and fight it. He’s not doing well, and the more he tries to hold on to the Symbiont...” she shook her head. "Anyway he won't be conscious by the time the trills arrive, and if he is, he'll have to be sedated. We can't allow him to kill both him and Kelos."

“I agree. I’m just... I’m afraid. He’s too stubborn and he’s lost his sense of self.”

"I'm sure we'll have to deal with him for a long time, as he recovers. But I won't let him waste his life."

“I fear that isn’t our choice.” Garak sounded deeply regretful as he ran a cloth over Julian’s forehead.

"No, but at least I want him to have a life to make the choice. The trills are less than a day away, we just have to make sure he is still here when they arrive."

“Of course.” Garak said softly, more genuine emotion in his voice than Jadzia has ever heard. He feared they might not have a tomorrow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments are love, life, and the highlight of our days!

**Author's Note:**

> Comments are love! we are trying something a bit different here so we'd like to know what you think.
> 
> Here's our symbionts guide, courtesy of StarTravel, who made the original lineup of trills. You don't really need it, but even us have to consult it a lot to keep the story straight :) :
> 
> *Kelos - Julian:  
> Anzri Kelos, a painter who spent most of her life on Trill. Compassionate and warm, but also shy, flighty and focused on her work.  
> Delon Kelos, a tactian who was very serious and focused on protecting Trill and its secrets. Secretive, protective, aloof, and very loyal to those he - or at least Kelos - trusts.  
> Meolia Kelos, a scientist from Trill who specializes in native flora. Shy, polite, but also optimistic and eager to learn more about the world.  
> Lires Kelos, an ambassador to Vulcan. Polite and reserved, but quietly passionate about Trill and about furthering the relationships between Trill and the rest of the Alpha Quadrant.
> 
> * Mar - Jake  
> Clea Mar, a Guardian turned scientist after her joining. Believed to be one of the first Trill hosts. Quiet, respectful, and aloof, but with a kind heart.  
> Axios Mar, A Trill scientist who studied Symbiont joining. Outgoing, friendly, but also hyperfocused on his work at times.  
> Lios Mar, a dancer from Trill who loves performing. Introverted, romantic, and a bit of a dreamer.  
> Telia Mar, A kindhearted and extroverted doctor who also loves traveling and who married her childhood sweetheart. Has many kids.  
> Saros Mar, an introverted but brash journalist who is passionate about social justice and believes more people can be Symbionts than the government admits.  
> Anira Mar, a sweet, empathetic, extroverted counselor who is one of the first Trill to join Starfleet.  
> Tyriel Mar, an idealistic, extroverted, and hardworking Trill congressman. He dreams of being an ambassador and sometimes considers joining Starfleet.
> 
>  
> 
> * Tiar - Kira  
> Shiral Tiar, a Trill soldier who is outgoing, courageous, loyal, and okay, can be a bit brash. And yes, he knows his name sounds like that Romulan spy group.  
> Liana Tiar, a pilot known for being daring, outgoing, and far too much of a flirt for her own good. Wanted to explore the universe.  
> Alios Tiar, a writer who spends most of his traveling and trying to understand other alien cultures. Warm, friendly, curious, and a bit goofy.  
> Jenara Tiar, a scientist on Trill and one of the more serious people to hold the Tiar symbiote. She was bold, passionate, and argumentative, and helped change agriculture on Trill.  
> Kalia Tiar, She is a congresswoman who is loud, passionate, friendly, and honest a fault. This can be dangerous in her profession, but has earned her a lot of respect.


End file.
